Raising Teens

Marlena  

Welcome to another episode of a witch, a mystic and a feminist. I am your host Marlena here with my co host, Jamie. And in this episode, we are talking about something a little different today. And that is parenting teenagers. Parenting teenagers has never been easy. But with the rise of smartphones, social media, and a rapidly changing world, it's become a whole new ballgame. We'll be discussing the issues that keep parents up at night, from cyber bullying to navigating the complex waters of teen relationships and mental health. So grab a cup of coffee and find a comfortable seat and join us as we embark on this journey into parenting teenagers in this day and age. Hey, Jamie,

Jamie  

Whoa, yeah, that was a lot of information. Because it's a big topic

Marlena  

It is. And you have a teenage son, I do. 16 16 Yes. And then a 19 year old, born female, non binary child, and they are going through their last year of their teens. So at the same time, still a baby. And it's funny because thinking back to when I was 19 I thought I was grown. I thought I knew everything. And I look at my kid and I'm like, Oh my God, you're still a baby.

Jamie  

Yes, And that's like me with my son, I think back to when I was 16. Where was that? 16. Kid, why don't you have a job yet? Like I was already working? You know, I wanted to make my own money. And so definitely different times and different perspectives with this generation. So yeah, definitely at 16 I don't think I felt like I knew everything. But I definitely wanted to, like have my own right where I wanted, you know, our own Mike. Yeah, I wanted to be grown. And that's, that's actually one of the things that I struggle with. Because sometimes I feel like a grip too fast. And I want him to be able to preserve his childhood as long as he can. But at the same time, it's okay, I need you to start gaining some more responsibility. Like you want all these fabulous things. Now that cost three times the amount that it did when we were growing up. You need to start like making your own right. You know, we're past the chores around the house and getting an allowance. You want those like $200 Whatever shoes, well, you better start working for them. Like it doesn't doesn't work like that anymore, kid. So yeah, when I think back to it, I'm like, dude, when I was 16 When I was your age, that whole line, and then he just kind of looked at me like Okay, mom.

Marlena  

But it's different. I mean, like, so with Alexis being 19. When we were 19. We were going to clubs, and we had older friends. So we would go to that those like 18 and 21 year old clubs were Yeah, they had bars and stuff like that. So we were still drinking. We were doing a lot of dumb stuff. And I have to say I am so glad that we didn't have smartphones then. And we didn't have social media then because the things that I was wearing to things that I was doing.

Jamie  

Um, yeah, it's so we had what did we still just have pagers at? 19? I think it was still Yes. Did we even have cell phones yet?

Marlena  

We didn't. I didn't have a cell phone.

Jamie  

I think there were still the big bricks, right? If you were gonna get one like they were pretty new.

Marlena  

There were cell phones. I remember it because I met Vince when I was 19. Do you have one? Well, he worked for a cellular phone place. So yes, my dude had the cell phones. But they were you know, like you could only talk during certain times. Otherwise, it was like your cell phone bill was hundreds upon hundreds of dollars, you know, and we talked on landline.

Jamie  

So that's what it was cell phones were around but they were too expensive for us little 19 year olds to have one. So yeah, it was beepers and running to a payphone right. But you know, now our kids run around with air pods and computers in their hands called cell phones. So it's just a whole nother level. And speaking on that, since you're touching on it already, the social media aspect of this generation and the cyberbullying that comes with it, and, and the pressure to keep up with the kids and keep up with the friends and you're just so much more exposed. Like I remember us growing up, and being 16 in high school, and not that it was any good then but I felt like the worst thing that could happen. Remember, when they used to have slam books, you remember slam books, okay, not that they were good, but I'm not like a supporter of them. But it was a book that got passed around and anonymously. You're, you know, putting comments on certain things again, I don't promote them. But it was not to the level of what our children are dealing with today. With all the social media and that people are so brave behind a keyboard,

Marlena  

oh 100%

Jamie  

pick a fight and you know, tell people whatever they want and I mean, we see it just in social media, on Twitter with adults stuff like people are just trolls and rude. And the pressure that these kids have in school with social media is just beyond me. It's just a whole nother level.

Marlena  

Has your kid ever been cyber bullied?

Jamie  

Not that I'm aware of. I would hope he would tell me if something happened. Otherwise, if something did he handled it, but we've been pretty flexible parents in the sense that social media, online gaming, things like that. YouTube, we've been pretty lenient to the point where I think some parents have probably questioned my judgment. But we've also been pretty clear as to what the limits are, you know, no, sharing your actual name, where you live your age, like those kinds of statistical things where people can track you down. And I think both of our children have lived up to that, from what I can see. So I think he's been okay with that kind of stuff. But yeah, it's just, it's scary. I don't know if there ever went through situations like that in school, or even now, because it still goes on now, even as they get older.

Marlena  

I mean, there were there were some issues with cyber bullying, but not to the extent that they couldn't handle it. Yeah. Because also in our area, the school district and the police department, they don't put up with it. And then Alexis also was like, itching to fight in high school, never actually got into a fight, but was itching to get into a fight in high school. So it was like,

Jamie  

she was like, I really tried, it just didn't happen.

Marlena  

Well, I mean, you know, they’re are black belts, so

yeah, exactly.

Marlena  

You know, they would they were able to handle certain things on their own. And they would tell me, that certain things would take place. And I basically said, What would you like me to do? Are you telling me to vent? Are you asking me for advice? Or do you want me to handle right? And it was like, No, I got it. And I'm like, Okay. And so then I'd be like, Okay, what's going on?

So what would you do?

Marlena  

But so for Alexis, before they turned 18, I had logins and passwords to all of their social media, with the exception of SNAP, and that one I just had such a huge issue with and to this day, Snapchat is just I think, horrible.

Jamie  

Like the filters. That's the only thing I use it for is the fun filters. If I don't even use it anymore. I was like, where did they get that? Oh, that looks fine. Oh, it's the Snapchat thing. Okay. Yeah, I don't use it very much.

Marlena  

Yeah. And Alexis just kept changing their password to Snapchat. Yeah. And so I was like, Okay. I mean, it was a battle Snapchat with the kid and wanting to make sure that they're safe, but at the same time, trying to respect their boundaries. But then at the same time, you know, I was still kind of like a helicopter mom and that aspect. Yeah. So yeah, Snapchat, I hate. I just hate Snapchat. I hate Snapchat for all kids,

Jamie  

for all kids in the right

Marlena  

won't because they don't think they meaning not just they, Alexis, but they kids in general, think that because it disappears, that it's gone. It's gone, when in fact, it's not. And yeah, that's what's crazy to me how naive. The kids are with respect to that. Yeah.

Jamie  

And they have so much more to think about because of all these different social medias and the different ways that they operate. So they stepped into a world with all of this already been exposed to them. Whereas what when we were growing up, the only thing we had if we had social media was MySpace. And I don't even remember what that was like. Wasn't that like, junior high?

Marlena  

MySpace, MySpace, MySpace was in our 20s?

Jamie  

Shut up. No, stop. Yes, it wasn't even Oh, Jesus Christ. So then it was even later, so we didn't even have to deal

Marlena  

with any social media. And now, I mean, we had

Jamie  

AOL dial up, right, mom get off the phone. I need to get online. I mean, we

Marlena  

had AOL that AOL messenger, that was the

Jamie  

Oh, that's true. We had messenger. So that was the extent of our social media interaction in the good old days. So our kids already coming into this world being exposed to all of these things, all these social apps, and I know it took us like a long time to give them I think the first one was like Instagram, and I don't even think I think the only one my youngest has is Tik Tok. And so she can scroll which we know monitor and she has posted some videos, but I always look at what she posts and make sure that they're okay. But yeah, like I think the first one was Instagram. And then it grew from there. I think my son only got Facebook because of a gaming thing he needed to have it for I think it was for his Oculus, right? Because he has in his meta, which is Facebook. So he got that for that. But I think he just really uses like Instagram and snap and tick tock, same with Alexa. Here's the funny thing. This is what I laugh at, though. So my son has said, you know, I met someone and when I say meet someone, like it could be just a friend, whatever, through snap through Instagram, whatever. And of course, I'm like being like goes off. And what do you mean, you met someone? Like you met? So? Oh, no, my mom, no, no, go, they go to my school, like I know them blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, Oh, so you've talked to them? And they're like, no, like, well, then how do you know them? Well, we chat through. Mom, that's what you do now. Like you just chat through Instagram or snap or whatever, Mike? Do you actually talk to people anymore? Like anyone? He's like, Oh, that's later? I guess if it gets serious, it's later. I don't know. Weird. I just think it's funny. I'm like, don't you have a phone literally in your hand? Like, can you call the person, like, just call the personal see?

Marlena  

And now is a big fear of mine with Alexis having social media, particularly Snapchat, because of, quote, meeting people. And you know, oh, I met somebody my age. And it's like, is that person your age? Is that person, you know, real? And so that is a big fear. I mean, it's still is a big fear of mine, but also a big fear of theirs as well. You know, I was talking with Alexis about going on a trip just them and I and they were like, No, Daddy needs to come with us because you know, of sex trafficking. And, and I was like, Oh, my Yeah, you know, and these are the fears. Although, because it's real. That's the fear of kids these days. But at the same time, one of the things that I'm trying to teach them is, I don't want you to live in fear, though. I don't want you to be afraid to go and do things because you are now a new adult. And so you should start doing adult things like planning trips, and

Jamie  

going out and doing things. I mean, get into trouble. But safely, you know, I mean, we all have to do that we all got to get into a little bit of trouble. That's what our 20s are for. And hopefully, it's not too bad

Marlena  

teenage years. So that was me. And 20s, maybe 30s

Jamie  

As you're touching on like the sex trafficking and how this is just a crazy thing that our kids legitimately think about or worry about, but you know, the the whole gun violence in schools, and you know, in social areas, as well concerts, movie theaters, and clubs and whatnot. I remember, the first time my son came home in kindergarten, and was telling me about this new drill that they were learning because he of course, is just starting school, he just came out of preschool. And he's like, mom, so we have to play this game, where we hide in the closet and whoever stays quiet as the longest. If we all stay quiet, we get a treat or something like that. And I just remember my heart sinking like, okay, kiddo, you know, here's my six year old telling me about basically a school shooting plan. And I just remember my heart sinking. And I looked at my husband like this is this is what's going on. Like, this is really the reality for our children. And yeah, that was the first moment that it really hit home that we're not talking about fire drills and earthquake, right. And that's what we did active shooter drills.

Marlena  

We were doing fire drills, we were stopped dropping roll. We were going underneath the desk for earthquake drills. And you know, when Alexis was in junior high, I believe it was I received a text that says, Mommy, I'm okay. And I texted back and this was during the school day. I'm like, What is going on? Why wouldn't you be okay? Like, why do you even have your phone during class? And they said, because we're doing this active shooter drill. I was like,

white, I know, white, anything, you

Marlena  

know, then later, they were saying that they were told whoever has a phone, text your parents that you're okay. I was like, Can I get some fucking context please? Like,

Jamie  

elaborate, please.

Marlena  

And they were in what the seventh eighth grade. So that's 1213 Maybe. And, you know, I mean, my kid is very literal. So you tell them to do something and they do. Exactly that. So what you said, Mama MLK, and I'm like, why wouldn't you be okay, like what the fuck is going on gray. And so I have the same conversation with Vince like, this is what we're dealing with as parents It's like an as children, this is what they are dealing with.

Jamie  

Yeah, we had a real situation last year, our son being a freshman. And we get alerts now, when they're doing a practice drill, or there's a soft lockdown, or there's a hard lockdown for whatever reason, and we always get the alerts, just so you know, this is what's going on, blah, blah, blah, and then when it ends. So last year, we got as an I are both working from home, it's busy, we get the text saying that there's a hard lockdown. And literally 10 minutes later, a hard lockdown called off. It's done. We're, we're done. And I just, I don't think I saw either text till both of them came through. Because I hadn't looked at my phone. I Oh, okay, it's over. I didn't really think anything of it. About an hour later, I get a text from my son. And he just said, this is the update of me and my son and how kind he is, Mom, I just want to make sure you're okay. And I don't think it quite hit me like what had gone down. But here's my kid at school after whatever went down, asking me if I'm okay. Because he's always concerned about me, and he never wants me to worry. And I said, Yeah, babe. Like, I text him back. I'm fine. And then I was like, Do you want to come home? Is everything okay? I said, I got the alerts earlier. He goes, No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. A lot of kids are going home, but I'm good. I said, Are you sure? He's like, Yeah. I said, Okay. And then we picked him up after school. I did. And that's when it all hit home. So I asked him what happened? What was going on? And he's telling me the story. Oh, Mom. Yeah, so they called a hard lockdown. My teacher went to put the paper on the little window on my desk is right by the front door, and there was a little slit, you could still see the front through the window. So I shimmied on my stomach all the way to the wall because there was a little cut out and I knew I could hide there better. So I just stayed there and and he's just telling me the actual happenings of what was going on in such a nonchalant way. It's very matter of fat or fat. Like, this is what happened. He goes yeah, then we were down there for like 10 minutes. And then they called it off. And I have my sunglasses on and I am just, it's literally a five minute ride back to our house. I am like Tears are coming down my face. I'm trying so hard for him not to see them because I know that's what he's worried about is me being upset me being concerned. And so we get home and I just told him I said, I'm glad you're okay, babe. I gave him a hug, you know, do you want something to eat went through the motions of the day. And as soon as I made his food, I went up to my room and literally had a panic attack, like full on full blown panic, anxiety, anger, all the things. If I could have like, punched through a wall I and if I own this house, I probably would have done that. But it was reality of what had happened. And what had happened was a kid had brought a gun to the school. Someone saw it and thank you to the teachers and the staff that tell kids see something, say something, because that's exactly what happened. He was showing one other kid, another kid saw another kid told a teacher teacher called 911 metro had that shit shut down in 10 minutes. Like, literally got to the school found the kid arrested them in class. So it happened so fast, thank God, but the reality of it and why that kid brought the gun to school. I don't know. Of course, all the stories and gossip comes out afterwards. And I was just I was filled with anger and sadness and anxiety, like, the whole week after that, because I just couldn't believe what our children have to go through. And what our teachers are going through right like now these teachers are putting into a situation of I may have to stand in between whoever's coming after my kids to save them. Right, like that's a whole nother episode. But that was the reality of my son's freshman year one day at school and even went back to school. The next day. I didn't even think about it. It was actually on a holiday weekend. So I didn't go back till the following Tuesday because I think it happened on a Friday. I didn't even think about asking him like are you okay, do you want I think I wanted to make it as normal as possible and not keep asking thinking I'm going to make him feel I'm concerned. And I didn't even think about it. So he went to school. And then I was like, You know what, I texted him during the day. I said Are you okay baby like it just want to check on us. Like I'm fine with a lot of kids didn't show up today, but I understand. And I'm like, okay, as long as you're okay, like I didn't it didn't even dawn on me. But it's just it's horrible. I can't even imagine growing up in that. What our children are actually growing up in just scary.

Marlena  

You know, and I think about when we were in school when we were in high school, and I'm like, did anybody bring any? Like, we didn't bring weapons to school? I mean, we just if we had beef with someone we just fought. I mean,

Jamie  

yeah, like, I don't even Yeah, I don't ever remember. And I was the kid who, like, broke up fights. So I was right in the mix of things. But I don't remember there being weapons here, like growing up, at least where I grew up. And you were there, up until that, you know, high school end

Marlena  

of sophomore year. And same thing when I moved to Tucson. Like it wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't like that, you know, again, we just, we had an issue with someone we fought. That's all we, you know, not that. Okay. And not that fighting in school is cool. Or, or, I mean, yeah, you know,

Jamie  

we're not promoting. I

Marlena  

mean, that's just, that's what we did you have before I find it out, and, you know,

Jamie  

you handle that, again, we're not here promoting fighting in school, we're just saying doesn't need to be taken to a level with weapons and guns. Yeah, school threats and all the things again, social media plays into that, and the bullying. And

Marlena  

well, you know, and then there's also like, going back to social media body image. You know, I know, Alexis has body image issues, one because of social media too, because of martial arts and having to wait, but I mean, even now. They're like, I wish my butt were bigger. But I wish my my waist were thin. And I wish I had, you know, bigger, bigger boobs and I wish I had, and I'm just like, you are describing, like, one of the things they said even just last night, I want a cinched waist. And Mom, I want an ounce like yours. And I was like, Okay, let me just tell you something, a cinched waist and an ass like mine. They don't go together. They don't go together.

Jamie  

They don't blend together. They don't work like Yeah,

Marlena  

you look like a cartoon character. And that's what people Kids these days are looking at the big boobs the cinched waist, the big ass? And it's like, yeah, that is not normal.

Jamie  

Nope. No, absolutely not. And I try and do everything in my power. And this is more towards my daughter who's not a teenager yet, but literally on the verge with hormones. And I just always try my best to encourage body positivity and being comfortable in your own skin because she is getting to that age, right hormonally and age wise. And she just started junior high. And it's, oh, it's Oh, it's a struggle. But yeah, I mean, body image, especially with girls. And not to say that boys don't go through it either. But especially with girls, it gets very catty and very mean. And we're a lot of the bullying start, right? At least with girls. And it's horrible. And it's sad. And that's also where a lot of mental health issues start to come into play with depression, right? And anxiety and stress and all the things that come with people just telling you, you're not good enough, or you don't look right, or you're fat, or you're this or you're that we're not, or simply just not even being a social kid and not having friends. Everyone needs a friend, right? You know, and then these kids get picked on. And that's what these mental health issues start at such a young age, because they're so impressionable at this age and their surroundings, the society around them is feeding them toxic messages. So I'm so grateful for my children, but I also feel so bad for a lot of the things that they have to deal with nowadays, and it's very scary.

Marlena  

So I had gotten Alexis a phone at the age of eight, one because they were doing going out a lot more with friends. And I don't mean like going out, like, you know, but playdates and stuff like that going over to friends houses and stuff like that. Yeah, and I was at work. So I wanted to be able to get in touch with them during that time. And I really wish that I had waited to get them a phone. I mean, they had an iPhone at the age of eight. And they spent more time on Netflix, then using the actual phone. But I was just like, Why did I do that? And looking back on it, it's you know, I should have just got a flip phone and hindsight. It's just one of those things where I was like, oh, you know, but I also didn't have a landline. So that's I was like, that's

Jamie  

true. I mean, we went young to we were we went young to with our son, and even with our daughter. I don't necessarily regret it. I I think again, I'm my husband and I are both very flexible All parents when it comes to electronics and social media, we've always told our kids like, we will monitor things. But this is what you want to do in your downtime. Great. The moment you start turning down friends and playing outside when they want to play outside, or go do something outside the house, and you say no, because you want to stay on these stupid fucking video games, then we have a problem. And to this day, we've never had an issue. I look at electronics and screen time. Yes. Are they on it too much? Probably. But I also look at it like this is this is the next gen this is their generations thing. Like if we had it growing up, if we had iPhones growing up, I'm sure it had been the same way we had Atari. And we had Nintendo. And I didn't like video games. So it wasn't a problem for me. I was on the phone all the time, hence why my mom got me my own private line in my room because I would occupy the house. Funny you were

Marlena  

the only

Jamie  

like, had a private I had I had a private line.

Marlena  

Yeah. Like you were one of the only like, friends of mine that had their own private lineups like, Oh, she's Paulin. Like,

Jamie  

my mom also worked for the phone company. So it was either free or really cheap. So she's like, you're always on the phone, and you take up my phone, we're getting you your own

Marlena  

thing. Oh my god. So I phone cord, because I would like stretch that phone all the way to my room. Because my mom wouldn't let me have not just my mom, my parents, my parents wouldn't let me have a phone in my room. I stretched that motherfucker all the way. And so you know, it got to the point where a curled up, it was no longer curling, it was just straight were like, you know, talking on the phone or in the bathroom, or you know, whatever room was quiet and not around. But you know, we had to have conversations around other people like your parents, my parents heard 80% of my conversations, you know, and I talked to Vince, we laugh about some of the stuff that we did, you know, and him and his sisters when they would go and sneak out. They would like have to army crawl through their parents bedroom to unplug the phone, and then army crawl back out and then go sneak out and then when they get back, probably drunk army crawl again to plug back in the phone.

Jamie  

That's so funny. Yeah, I, um, I had one of those swatch phones. If you remember that, if for those of us who grew up in this time, you know, the swatch phones, I had the two bases. So you could have like a friend in your room. And you're in the same room and you guys are both on the same conversation. They're like two receivers, it was awesome.

Marlena  

The many phone calls to boyfriends, you know, or, or to a friend's boyfriend. And you know, you're listening on. Yeah,

Jamie  

that was me listening. Yeah, always just so you know, any of you guys from where I grew up, if you called my number, someone was listening. Anyways, but back to like we do give our children in our house a lot of freedom. When it comes to video games and whatnot. But there are boundaries, there definitely are boundaries. Don't walk around this house. Oh my god. I think my daughter's the worst. She's the worst. She's the one I gotta break the habits. But she'll walk around the house like getting a snack staring at her phone. I'm like, put your phone down. You don't need your videos in order to be good at snack from the pantry. Like, you put it down, you will survive. But my son, he's actually pretty good. I think he was a lot worse when it came to electronics and video games when he was younger. He still enjoys them. Don't get me wrong. But he's getting into like working out now. So we go the gym together. He's got a sports, he's got his friends. He's getting more active in high school, going to the football games, going to their events and stuff. He has his electric skateboard now, which is like his mode of transportation. So he hops on that shit. He'll be gone for like an hour riding around town, doing his tick tock videos, whatever. So I don't, we're pretty. We're pretty flexible. When it comes to that stuff. Our son has actually been really, really good about his screen time, if you will, because that is this generation. It really is. You can't get away from a screen anymore. We're on screens right now. I mean, and you're listening to us on your iPhone or your Android probably if not at your laptop or your

Marlena  

tablet or Alexa

Jamie  

whatever, tablet or something. Listening us to a somewhere on some electronic device.

Marlena  

Yeah, my kids begun to video games, I mean, like, and they also stream when they play and stuff like that. But one of the things about my kids like when they play video games, they are very passionate, and everybody in the house can hear the passion coming from that child's mouth and for Those who have heard the episode with my kid on it, you know, their voice is pretty high. And then the screaming, that is screeching and you know, there have been times where I've had to go down there and be like, hey, I need you to be mindful of the fact that other people live in this house. And I understand that you're playing a game, however, I'm going to need you to take it down a couple notches, especially since your grandmother's here and sleeping in the room next to so let's just

Jamie  

it's funny. It's like we're talking about teenagers. But I keep going back to my daughter. My daughter is the loudest one in the house with the electronics because of her Oculus. Oh my god, you should see the walls. Like there's no holes, but there's like on the rim of the doorway or the closet. Where's just paint. It's like that rounded corner. Yeah, that's all chipped off. Or I'll hear google google like she's gonna fall through the ceiling. Like, oh, my god, are you okay? Up there? Like she is the loudest on her Oculus. So, yeah, I have to tell her when we're not here and like the grandparents are staying because we're out of town or whatever. You need to be respectful of your grandparents, when they go to bed. They're literally next door to you. If you're screaming at the top of your lungs. I don't want to hear how you kept them up all night. Oh my gosh, she's okay. Love you, baby girl. I know we're talking about teenagers. But let's just say she's preteen. And there you go. There you go. But yes, so electronics and social media, they're all tied together. It is it is what it is. But my God, the social media aspect is just

Marlena  

Well, I'm just so glad that we didn't have social media when we were kids, you know, because Oh, my God, again, you know, talking about school fights and stuff like that, you know, the fights, I got into quite a few fights when I was in high school. But we didn't have, you know, the phones. And there were times where Alexis would come home, people read their reporting and whatnot. And so it was like, Yep, yeah, that didn't happen. Yeah. You know, or, and I kind of feel bad for kids. I kind of feel bad for kids these days. Because the house parties we used to have when parents would go out of town and stuff like that. We had house parties, kids can have house parties these days, because there's the ring, and there's, you know, the cameras and there's all those things, and I kind of feel bad I like Not gonna lie. I was like, Oh, you're kind of missing out on truly being a teenager of throwing a party.

Jamie  

It's so funny, because, Oh, you want them to experience some of the craziness we had growing up, but at the same time, you want them to be like right on the fence because you don't want them to cross over and do anything illegal or really stupid, but at the same time, you want them to be a little bit dangerous, but then you don't. But then you do. It's just that

Marlena  

that bowel is no I totally get that because when I was a Lexus's age when I was a little bit younger, you know, in high school, I would drink or I would smoke weed. Yeah. And there was a time where Alexis his eyes were red. And I was like, Were you smoking? No, I was like, I don't even know how you have the audacity to lie to me. Because I did that shit when I was your age. I do that shit now. Like I I don't know why you seem to think that you can lie to me and think that I'm like dumb and not gonna know you know and but when one thing that's scary about drugs now, like versus when we were kids is the fentanyl in everything.

Jamie  

Yep, I have that noted in my in my talking notes today. That is scary as shit. I mean, scary as shit. Not just and the way it looks. It looks like candy sometimes like

Marlena  

the fentanyl and everything right now like Yeah, and it's about saying you can't trust a drug. You shouldn't have it in the first place. But you know, it's like, kids really can't trust anything. I mean, one line one hit something can really fuck them up. If not kill them.

Jamie  

Yeah, exactly. That's been one of my biggest oh my gosh, that's like what order does a fallen gun violence fentanyl called bullying like it's right up there. Um, we had a long talk with our son last year with going into high school and you know, he hasn't. And again, I don't know he could just be a really good like pretender or faking me out kind of a kid but he hasn't seemed to be interested in that stuff yet that I've seen. But we wanted to make sure he was I think he was going to was like, first high school dance. And it was kind of that thought of we need to have talk with him about this because it could be totally innocent. We had just seen like a news article and they were showing these these pills of fentanyl that look like friggin Sweet Tarts or something. And it's like, it could be totally innocent. Like, oh, yeah, here, try one of these, you know, whatever. And it looks like candy. But we had to have a long talk, especially with fentanyl was like, you cannot view you just cannot take drugs, even from someone you think you trust. They may not even know what it is right? Just one hit kid literally could kill you, like, kill you. And I think that's what's so scary. Because growing up, at least for me, and I know for me in high school, like I first time I ever got drunk. I was like, one month away from graduating, I was 18 first time I ever really drank first time ever got drunk, like, and that was a lot for me, because I just I didn't do that and do that in high school. I wasn't into drugs. I was into getting, like sneaking into clubs that were 18 and over because I was only 16. We just want to ideas. That was yeah, I just wanted to dance. Like I didn't I didn't care about the other stuff. So for me, it was never really my scene. But I think about the drugs that were around when I did see people doing it. It was pot it was wheat.

Marlena  

I did a lot of coke in high school. I did a lot.

Jamie  

I never, I I've still never seen cocaine in person. Like I've never been around it to see it or try it. And, and I you know, obviously it's probably a good thing. I'm afraid I'd like it. But, um, but anyways, I digress. Um, so we had we had to have a long conversation and that I remember walking away from that conversation with Peyton and and talking to my husband going this is some scary shit. Like, maybe he does want to try pot one day and ends up being laced with fentanyl like, I mean, come on. If you're gonna try pot, let me take you to a dispensary at least like let me get the right stuff like not at 16 but just saying like, don't get it off the street. Please. Please don't. Please don't. It's so scary. Fentanyl is just a whole nother level. And it's being put into everything. You know, what's

Marlena  

weird is that like I said, Coke was a big thing for I guess me when in high school. But um, you know, like, we had coke and crank and I think crank is now meth. Like, I think they're the same thing. I'm like, I don't know, we call the crank said you know, and math. I'm like, it was crazy. Like, is math crank I like I don't know, I just know that. There's math. And there was crazy.

Jamie  

It got to me made me just give up a little bit. That's

Marlena  

fine. But the big thing around here that I've been told is heroin. And only Yeah. And how am I making a comeback? Apparently, and you know, that's scary for me because I'm like, I never touched needles, because I don't like to get shot. So

Jamie  

that is honestly why I stayed away from so many drugs. Even now. I don't like needles, so I'm not going to try any crank or heroin or whatever. I don't like to shoot shit up my nose or snort it because it burns anytime I do like flow neighs and shits I've never tried cocaine, too afraid to try mushrooms and acid because everyone said if you're paranoid, you're gonna have a bad trip. Well, I was paranoid, so I knew I'd see like the devil. So I never tried that shit. Like, the worst I ever tried was like pot and pot just put me to sleep or made me hungry. So I'd like now there's definitely better versions of pot out there and with really great dispensaries. So I've dabbled a little bit more in that. Not a lot, but just trying to find new ways. But anyways, back then it was like there was nothing I wanted to try. You know, and everyone knows already by listening to this podcast, I grew up with a father who was an addict to alcohol. So alcohol wasn't really like a thing for me either. I didn't want to do that in high school, because I saw what it did to my dad. Now it's different because I'm an adult and Well, I do like my drinks every so often. But it just wasn't it wasn't my thing. I was lucky enough to kind of not veer into that path. Yeah, in high school. And even to this day, because I still don't like things going up my nose and needles in my arm. So I still haven't tried any of that stuff.

Marlena  

I'm grateful that Alexis didn't try any of that, like, you know, smoked weed. I mean, time I'm not mad at that and a lot worse that they could do. Right. Yeah. So, you know, I'm glad that they didn't try the things that I and I laugh out of embarrassment, you know, because I am embarrassed. But you know, try the things that I tried. So, but and especially because of the fact that I Everything is so caught up with shit now, you know it's not a scam. It's not clean. It's not clean drugs. Yeah, kids, we're

Jamie  

not promoting drug use, we're just saying, but okay,

Marlena  

so that goes to into parent communication and you communicating with your kids about drugs that they're doing or not doing that they shouldn't be doing. Sorry. Please don't do drugs. This is your

Jamie  

brain on drugs. Don't you remember the commercial than a brain? Does your brain on drugs? Any questions? Like that's all they need to see.

Marlena  

My favorite was the pot and the kid and how did you learn how to do this? I learned it from you. I learned from watching you down.

Jamie  

That one, I totally forgot about that commercial. You are so right.

Marlena  

I feel bad for kids these days because like we had such a child.

Jamie  

They didn't even have schoolhouse rocks. They don't know the pressure of waiting for Saturday morning cartoons at 7am Because you didn't get to stream that shit or watch a 24/7 on Nickelodeon or on Netflix or whatever. No, you had your one shot and guess what it was Saturday morning when your parents are sleeping in. That's when you got the fucking TV. Because that's when Bugs Bunny was on. That's when your cartoons on? You didn't have that shit. The rest of the week. Your parents got the TV the rest of the week. They don't know that pressure. I

Marlena  

didn't watch cartoons. Huh? I didn't like cartoons when I was eating one. Oh, I didn't like cartoons when I was a kid. You know what I love? No was soap operas. I watched. I watch soap operas with my Nana. And here's the thing. I didn't watch the ones that everybody else in school watch. Everybody watched days of our lives. And I didn't watch it either. So I watched young and the restless. And then I watched capital. And that was before Bold and the Beautiful came out. So I watched capital. And then I watched Bold and the Beautiful when capital went away. I watched as the world turns and I watched Guiding Light.

Jamie  

Oh my lord. Okay, so you were the daytime soap operas? Yes. I was a nighttime soap operas, and I watched with my mom. So here we go. Dallas, Knott's landing, Falcon Crest. And I feel like there was one more so yes, Dallas dynasty, Falcon Crest Knott's landing. And now that might have been it. But there were also other shows. I watched with my mom. So

Marlena  

I only watched hours. But I didn't watch cartoons like I didn't like them as a kid. I mean, there's I do remember watching like Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner and the coyote and stuff. But for the most part, you know, and I think I only watched them because I had to because my sister was watching cartoons. And I'm like, I just I didn't like cartoons. And even now I actually watch more cartoons now than I did when I was a kid.

Jamie  

That's so funny. We used to my brother and I would our sitter when we used to go to our sitter in San Leandro. They actually had where we would sit and have breakfast, there was two TVs they had like the little black and white TV on top of the big TV. Because my brother and I would fight over whose turn it was to pick the morning cartoon before we went to school. And usually he won because he pulled the well I'm the oldest. I was born first he usually pulled that line. But if you pick we always watched cartoons, but I watched soap operas with my mom, because guess what, there was no fucking cartoons on in the evening, right? It was like the Cosby Show, or it was who's the boss or it was facts of life. Like you had the family shows. But your parents got the TV. Let's be honest. You had to watch what they watched, which meant I watched dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas, or Knott's landing and moonlighting and cheers. And yeah, all adult

shows. I liked the show choice.

Jamie  

There my comfort shows and I still watch to this day, Golden Girls that turn that on Sunday morning when I'm getting up and like starting to clean. I have Golden Girls on a lot and Chad hates it. I don't care. I can sing the whole theme song for you. But I'm not going to do that to our listeners. So.

Marlena  

So this turned into parenting teenagers too, when we were teenagers.

Jamie  

When we were kids, but it did start with the whole like, you know what we did in high school and what we do want them to have a little bit of a little bit of fun a little taste of Well,

I think

Marlena  

especially now for Alexis, I really want them to have a lot more freedom. And so initially we were like okay, you're 19 you still have a curfew and Vince was like 11 o'clock at And now, especially because they work until later, you know, they have a much later curfew, yeah, but still going to work and being responsible and stuff like that. But I'm like, you know, go do something go have fun, you know, because I mean, even when I went to Thailand, it was, this is when I knew my baby was a baby, like called up crying and like, my car won't start. And keep in mind that my kid has their own car. But they took us to the airport, in one of our cars, so that we can fit all of our suitcases and stuff in it. So I was like, after the time change and everything, and I was dead asleep. When they called up and crying. It was like, just take one of our cars, the other kind of was like, oh, you know, and it's like, okay, and you know, that it was like, When are you coming home? And, you know, you can't take vacations without me anymore. I don't like being without you. And, you know, all of these things, and I'm like, my baby, still a baby. But you know, at the same time, like, you know, you kind of need to figure out like, I don't know, your car is not starting probably the battery's dead. Yeah.

Jamie  

What are you gonna do? So? How are you going to figure this out?

Marlena  

Right? Yeah, you know, and growing up, we didn't have extra cars to go driving around in. It's like, No, this child was like, we have an extra cars so that if one of the cars breaks down or goes into the shop, or get into an accident, we have an extra car, so that someone is never out a car. We didn't have that shit when I was a kid. Like, my car won't start, you better fucking figure it

Jamie  

out. Yeah. And we didn't have Ubers back then either. We had the buses and we had our feet. I was gonna say it's either walking your bike, or the bus. It was wheels. We remember it was wheeled still wheels, isn't still wheels, it is still wheels, speaking of driving, and that's what we're approaching right now with our son who has his permit. How is that going? So it's gonna it's going I mean, I think I'm, I'm trying not to push it very much. My husband and I both, because I think he might be a little more hesitant. And I'll be honest, I wasn't I think I was 17. When I actually got my license. I had a cool system. I was already like, I'm sad. I use the bus to get to school. I take the bus from school to the mall where I go to work. And then my mom picks me up, which she liked to do, because it was late in the evening anyways, when I would get off work from the mall. So she liked picking me up because she knew I would be safe, right versus walking to the mall parking lot by myself to get in my car or take the bus or whatever. So I was cool. I was like, I was in no rush to get my license or a car. Plus, I knew I had to pay my own insurance and gas. So that was more money out of my paycheck. I was fine. But with our kid, he's just, he's putting in his hours. But he's not as excited to learn than I had hoped. And I'm trying not to push it because it is a huge responsibility. And it's the next level of fear for my child. Oh, my God. No. So I wanted to have it but I'm not pushing it.

Marlena  

I was lucky that Alexis got their permit the Friday before the shutdown, before the pandemic shutdown. So there were rumblings that there were going to be shutting everything down and whatnot. And so I was like, Alexis, get your ass up. We got to go to DMV, you need to go get your permit right now. And then they were sleeping. And they were like, I'll get it another time. I was like, No, they are shutting everything down. Go get your permit. And so we went. Yeah. And so the kid got their permit. And so with the shutdown, and you don't have many cars and whatnot on on the road, that's how Alexis learned how to drive. And so I was super, I mean, I was super pumped about that. Because now with traffic being back to normal and all of that they are a lot more of a seasoned driver and didn't have to learn in that but still had to navigate construction. And you know, I remember right the first week of having their permit there was a car like stalled in the middle of the street and so having to navigate past that and then the next day there was a construction site that they drove into and I was like okay, you know, and I'm like, freaking out literally would take me an hour for my heart to get back to normal like my heart rate. Oh, fucking shit is scary teaching my kid how to drive was scary, but they are a good driver. So you know Um, I can't that's awesome. I can't complain. Whereas for me, I got my license at 18. But I also drove without a license for a very long time. I just I didn't there's that I didn't get my license. So I drove without a license for a long time. But you know, I did really dumb shit. Like, I sit here and I say, oh, kids these days are fucking dumb. But I did some really dumb shit. Like, I had friends that had their license, and were older than me, and we'd all be drinking, but I would drive because I didn't have a license to get taken away. Like, I did dumb shit.

Jamie  

You thought it made sense. Like, I can't take my license away. I don't go

Marlena  

exactly like that. And so when my kid or kids these days say shit like that, I'm like, You are fucking stupid. And then that like, clicks into my head? And I'm like, No, I was fucking stupid. You know, and one of the things that I had to tell Alexis, I'm like, you get your license, and you're driving, if I ever, If I ever find out that you've been drinking and driving, I will take your ass down to DMV, and you will, you know, really hand

Jamie  

over your license. Like, I'm not the rescue.

Marlena  

I'm not playing that shit. I was a dumb kid. But you know, you will not.

Jamie  

Yeah, that's I'm out here. In Vegas. That's one of the reasons that insurance is so high out here, because we have such a huge accident, car accident rate and drunk driving and, you know, fatalities, because people are so dumb out here. So it's just a whole nother level of, okay, I want him to get his license. But at the same time, I'm okay with him taking baby steps. And I want him to be mentally ready for it. Because it is huge. It is huge. Now, if we get to 18, or even 19, and he's starting college and UK kid, it's time, like you have to start taking on these adult responsibilities. Right? I would love to see him get it while he's still in high school. And I'm certain he will. I'm just trying not to push it because mentally it is. So it's tough, right? It's tough. And it's scary. And I told my husband, I said, You're in charge of doing the training because I can't I cannot do it. I can't I told him I said I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And he's like, No, I don't expect you to and I want to like I actually want to. And then I remember he looked at me he's like, what if we weren't married? What if you were like single and you had these kids? Like what would you do? Then I'm like, I'd pay the $4,000 for someone else to do it for me. Because you can you can hire people to do all the training. Like they'll do all the behind the wheel and the class and prep for the test. I'm like, That would be me. I'd be saving all my money to pay someone $4,000 to go do it for me because I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

Marlena  

Yeah, it's not gonna happen. I was the one who did it because Vince would make Alexis nervous. And so we started off slow with bear going around the block and stuff like that. And then we go further. And then before they got their license, I was like, Okay, well, I want Sonic which is over in Tracy over the ultimate high on the freeway. And I was like, so you need to drive making sure that they were able to drive on the freeway even just few times and stuff like that, but it still would freak me out.

Jamie  

My stomach drops just thinking like because I there was one day that Chad was like, hey, you know, we won't go on the freeway. He was just going to literally do like an exit to an exit. You know, like a mile just to kind of like get them on the freeway go a little fast. Okay, now let's let's get and then and get on the next exit and go a little bit farther because we just have a shit ton of exits, all right here. And but my kid was like, Nope, I don't want anything to do with the freeway right now. And honestly, I like my heart dropped. I'm like, Whoa, is he gonna be okay on the freeway? That scared me. But he has to learn.

Marlena  

It scares me, Alexis being on the freeway. I mean, and again, when we took our trip, Alexis took us to the airport that's all the way over at SFO. And I was like, You got to take one to one you got to go over a bridge. There's a lot to be done at night.

Jamie  

Like, yeah, and not to mention just the traffic out there. I was actually going to say out here. I would rather drive on the freeway than driving the city streets because that's where most of our accidents happen are on the city streets because people are just barreling through red lights. And the freeway I think just made me nervous. I'm like, he's really gonna speed up like he's gotta it's gotta go 65 You can't be going to 2535 or like on the city street or whatever. Like he's got to speed up and then be able to slowly slow down and get off on the exit like that's what for Take me out like,

Oh, he's gotta go fast. Yeah, it's gotta go fast. So yeah.

Jamie  

Oh my god, all the worries of all

Marlena  

the worries of being a parent. But you know, when Alexis got their license, I made them put like 360 on, and I was able to track them. And again, oh, once they turned 18, they were like, Yeah, you don't get to track me anymore. And I was like,

Fine, whatever. Vince was like,

Marlena  

where's the Lexus? And I said, I don't know. He was like, track them. And I was like, I can't they took off the light. 360. And he was like, what? I was like, okay, when we were their age, what were we doing? Because all that you know, what I was doing when I was their age, I was doing you. So but I was like, we have to, you know, let them figure it out a little bit. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they were sexually assaulted. And so after they were sexually assaulted, we kind of just really hovered a lot more. And you know, we're a lot more over protective after that. And it's like, even now with with dating and stuff like that. It's like, Who are you going with? What are you doing the law? They're trying to navigate that.

Right? is tough, because we're just like,

Marlena  

there's no handbook. There's no handbook on being a parent. But there sure is, hell no handbook on being a parent of a child who is sexually assaulted. And, you know, now wanting to be an adult with freedom, and go on date and things like that. And we're sitting here going,

what do we do? Yeah, that's tough.

Jamie  

I can't even imagine dealing with that situation. So I I, I know that's hard. I am still a firm believer in chipping our children until they're 18. But apparently, no one else wants to do that along with me. Because, you know, when they're 18, it's kind of like, you know, they graduate and they remove the chip from your arm or whatever. But I am a firm believer in that. I think that's rightly so well, with the live 360

Marlena  

Again, when Alexa started driving, I made them put that on their phone. And I'll tell you, for the first two weeks of them driving, I was constantly watching, like it was to the point where I was like fucking myself up in the head, being like, and I was, it was worse than social media. I had to like, put my phone away and just be like, I can't do this. I just can't do this. But you know, it's like, the next scariest thing for me was the thought of someone knocking on the door, you know, the police knocking on the door. I already had the police knocking on the door, you know, with regards to their assault. I don't yet want that with regards to an accident or anything. So you know, that's just

Yeah, being a parent is so hard. Yeah, it's so hard.

Jamie  

I, it's, it's crazy. Because when they were all little, I can't wait for them to get out of this toddler phase or I can't wait till this and that. And honestly, I'd look at my kids now. And my 16 year old and my soon to be 11 year old going on 13

I would

Jamie  

love those days to come back. I love seeing them grow up. I'm loving the people that they're growing into these kind, genuine human beings. But my God, the challenges now, right? are just overwhelming as a parent, and I long for the days where I would just say, Here's your chicken nuggies and here's your french fries. Look, I got you a Happy Meal and they're so excited. Like it's the best thing in the world. Ah, Mom, you're the best put on cartoons. Let me have my cheeseburger like now it's oh my gosh, I gotta start cutting the cord a little bit. Right, chipping away at the freedom so that they can feel like they're actually growing up.

Marlena  

Well, I know with Alexis and we've been we've been son I have been doing a lot better. I like really seen in letting go and also, again with the transformation that I saw in Sedona and even from then till now and you know there are still times where they are my baby and they always will be. I love I do love watching my kid turn into a mini adult like, you know and watching that transformation. It's scary is how it is scary. Tell, but at the same time, you know, like, they're coming home. It's 830 at night right now, and they're just getting home from work. I love being able to say How is your day, you know, and, and stuff. And now we have different types of conversations like this took place at work Mom, how would you handle this? And it's like, whoa, or Yeah, yeah, dating a boy or girl? Like, Mom, this is what's going on in my situation, what would you do? Which most of the time, they're like, Well, I just broke up with them.

Jamie  

Well, there it goes,

Marlena  

you're good. They give zero fucks. By you know, it's like watching them really become their own person. Right? Um, you know, and over the last few years, me really telling them like, the mother that I was, when I was younger, when you were younger. I'm not that mother anymore. Like, my mindset has changed. My opinions on the world have changed. And really what I want for you is to figure out for you to figure out, have your own opinions. Have your own mindset, and and figure out your life but also go have some fun.

Yep, absolutely. Well, to our teenagers. We love them so very much detail. We really do.

Jamie  

And we get stressed out because we just worry about you and we want you to be okay. Yeah. So Mama bears are going to try and let go a little bit but don't blame us when we hang on tight because it goes by fast. And there's

Marlena  

so much more that we didn't dive into that. Yeah, we will leave for another day. But we're going to wrap it up right now. And thank you so much for listening to a witchy mystic and a feminist you can check us out on our socials as well as our website WMF pod.com. We will see you next week.