Marriage & Relationships

Christy  

Hello, hello, hello. It is Christy Marlena and Jamie, back with a witch a mystic and a feminist this week, it's just the three of us. We're going old school or original gangster, I don't know, whatever you want to say. We just the three of us. And we thought what a great time to talk about marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. But it isn't. It's also relationships. Yeah. So if you follow that, buckle in.

Jamie  

Mariage,

Christy  

but really, more so you know, not just marriage, but we happen to all be married and in committed relationships. So we have a thing or two to say on marriage. But if you're not married, you can still get some tidbits out of this. I feel like you'll get something and you can just listen to us as we banter and talk and go down another rabbit hole. So what are you doing? Yep, that's what we're doing.

Marlena  

You guys want to know what I just did? When I hit mute? I just killed up my husband to turn down his TV.

Jamie  

Speaking relationship, marriage, marry. down, please. By the way.

Christy  

So we are all married, like I mentioned, and we've all been married for quite some time. Yeah. To the same person in this state.

Jamie  

In the state of Nevada, no, just kidding.

Christy  

We need to dive into that. Jamie, you,

Jamie  

California. We're married got married?

Christy  

Oh, okay. Okay. No, you don't have separate husbands are different. So far. State? Yes. Okay. I just had to clarify for our

Marlena  

would you want multiple husbands? Right?

Jamie  

Nooo well,

Christy  

it's so funny that you bring multiple husbands, I don't want multiple husbands, but like I have been researching and going down one rabbit hole. But like, of ethical non monogamy, which is a big term, so we can get there.

Marlena  

I don't know. I'm interested in hearing about that a little bit later.

Christy  

Anyway, we'll get there. So, ladies, you're in long term relationships. And I'm sure you have a thing or two that you could share with our listeners that have helped you sustain this long term relationship. Because as we know, in any relationship you are faced with, I call it the other, the other is the other person, and they're not like you, and they don't have the same tendencies, or the same necessarily, right, maybe they have some. And they can get annoying, because they're the other person, right? And they're not you. So it takes skill, and it takes work. And I want to know your tricks.

Jamie  

Well, there you go. Anything. Well, first of all,

Marlena  

Jamie, how long have you been married

Jamie  

17 years this last September?

Marlena  

And how long have you been with him?,

Jamie  

 Um well, real life like legitimately life. In this in this latter timeline, in this life, it has been close to I would say 20 years. But if you ask anyone else prior to that we probably been together for like, 25 Because everyone's swore we were dating before. We were so good. It's like 2320 years. Yeah.

Marlena  

Yeah. Hi, Christy, how long have you been with your husband?

Christy  

Um, so we celebrated 14 years marriage this year, and then we've been together 19 years, almost 20 years. And you? And what about you

Marlena  

Also married 17 years. And, Jamie, when you said that you and Chad have been together for 20 years. Vince and I have been together for 20 years. But then we also dated like five years. No, not five, seven years? Yes. Prior to that as well.

Jamie  

Yeah. Okay.

Marlena  

But I was like, did we start date?

Jamie  

That just seems weird to me too. Now that you say like, because I'm I'm mostly your best? Yeah, like starting to date. Chad. When you guys were starting to date again. Maybe like it might have been really new for us.

Marlena  

I mean, I like immediately moved in.

Christy  

But you had seven years prior? Right, like in a different time? Yeah, right. Yeah.

Jamie  

We might be closer to 19. Anyways, it is about the same time. It is about the thing. No, but

Marlena  

I'm just like, wow, that was a really long time ago. But at the same time, like, you know, I know for me when especially when I start a relationship and God this was a long time ago. But you know, You just no one else matters. You don't want to spend time with anybody else. You don't want to go do anything with anyone else. You just want to spend time with that person. So that's why I was like to I remember that time like, you know, I just looking back, it's just I just remember me events, whereas you probably just remember you and Chad.

Jamie  

Yeah. Oh, the young days before them. The male wedge your marriage and the children? Yes.

Marlena  

So yeah, we've all been together with our, with our spouses for a very long time.

Jamie  

Yeah. Which says a lot. Or patience and love. And friendship. On solid side. I'm speaking from my husband to Yes. Oh, no, for sure. Yeah, absolutely.

Christy  

So what does a good relationship marriage you can you know, either WORD WORKS look like to you guys. Like how does your relationships word? first word that comes

Jamie  

to mind? Go communication.

Christy  

Yeah, that was gonna be fine. Second word was laughter,

Jamie  

sense of humor. And those are on my list who my first word, besides those is friendship.

Marlena  

Yeah. And that's one thing I always say is like, I don't just love my husband, but I actually really like him. Like, I really like him. But I also have to say that there are times in our relationship where I didn't like him. I loved him. But I couldn't stand him. You know, and vice versa. I mean, I know that he at times couldn't stand me. I'm not the easiest person to be married to just ask my ex husband.

Jamie  

Very good. Yeah, I would definitely. I mean, communication is huge. And I think even to this day, yeah, I feel like we're always working on it. But I, I have particularly struggled. And even though I feel like I communicate feelings and things all the time, and when it comes to my marriage, and my husband knows this. So this is not any secret. But I sometimes have a hard time communicating. So it's something we're always working on. Because I'm afraid if I say something that maybe hurt me or upset me that he did I know he didn't do it intentionally to hurt me or upset me. But it made me feel one way and I don't want him to feel bad. So I play this game in my head, this circle. And I've learned getting older. And the longer I'm married to him is that doesn't do anyone any good. To just not say anything at the expense of your feelings, or possibly you're thinking you might be hurting someone else's feelings. I just know whenever I'm upset about something, I know he's not doing something intentionally to hurt me. So I don't want to hurt him by telling him I'm hurt. So communication always seems to be something that we work on. While I think we communicate very well, when it gets to the deep stuff, or something that maybe someone said that kind of hurt or made us angry. I think we both still struggle with that at times because we're afraid of hurting the other person. So communication is so important. And yet something even in our 20 year relationship, we still continue to work on this day. And right. It's tough. It's tough.

Christy  

I think it is. And it's totally fair. I mean, I relate so, so much to what you just said. Because Brian, and I struggled a lot with the tough kind of conversations, like you're talking about, like, I felt like, I feel like this, I feel like this because it's not, you know, it's not their intention most of the time, right? And you're like, it's not your intention, and I don't want to hurt you, just so that you know that you hurt. Yeah, it's weird. But then again, I don't want it to happen again. You know, and I don't want I don't want to be in this cycle. And so Brian and I just in like the last, I would say five years have really learned like timing. And so and I've learned that with him a lot is like the timing of when I'm telling them or relaying to him like, Hey, you hurt my feelings, or I need you to help me more or something like that. Is everything because it can make or break the conversation. It can either be received and like, in a way of like him like, Oh, okay. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I did that. Right. And then it's the end of the conversation. But if the timing isn't right, then that can spur an entire like, weird circular crazy argument, right? That you're like, where are we now? Like, we're How did that happen?

Marlena  

What are we fighting?

Christy  

What are we fighting about? I think we're saying the same thing. Like we're at, right? I don't know. So yeah, so the timing is huge is huge for both of us. And we've learned a lot about that and how like when we need to hear it and when we don't need to hear it. Now's not the time. You know, we've learned that about each other. So Yeah,

Marlena  

yeah, no, I know for Vince and I like, same thing. I agree, timing is everything. But there are times where, you know, I'm just like, I am in the mood fight. that happen, I push those buttons. And so the one thing that I'm really working on, is that nonviolent communication, and being able to take a step back, take a deep breath, and then articulate in a non confrontational way, what was bothering me, versus like, you know, the beginning of our relationship, and we really had to work on learning how to communicate with each other, because I just grab a plate and throw it and be like, I'm pissed. And he was like, really couldn't tell. But I guess, when you get married, or at least when I got married, I didn't think it was going to be this much work. Yeah. And so learning how to communicate with each other. And then also, then you bring in children to the relationship. And it's like, we were both raised differently. And so I have ways of parenting. And he has, you know, his thoughts on parenting, but who's right kind of thing versus, and especially in the beginning of a relationship, you know, trying to meld those two was, that was tough, too. Yeah. And communicating about that. Because in the beginning, I know, it was just something went wrong. And we were pointing fingers at each other.

Jamie  

Yeah, the whole parenting thing. I feel like we're kind of in this, I don't want to call it I'm definitely not gonna say, right, we're in this dynamic right now. Because our children are, I'm just going to say teenagers, because Stella's very close to it. But I am struggling very much with having them grow up so quickly. Whereas my husband is very much like, No, this is great, this is exciting. It's great to see the next phase, and my brain goes to all the things that can go wrong. And so it is a good balance. But in the parenting aspect. I work clashing a little bit at times right now, because I'm looking at it one way, he's looking at it one way, and it's a good balance. But I'm finding myself very frustrated at times. And I'm, it's a new era right now for us in our in our marriage and not that anything's bad. It's just a new set of challenges, and parenting and the changes in our kids, and what they're going through and the expectations. A perfect example, is our oldest getting a job, which I always was like 100% behind. And you know, he needs to be working, he needs to do this blah, blah. But I think because of my childhood and I started working so young, there's a part of me that wants to say if he doesn't have to, I don't want him to yet. Because once you start, it's like it doesn't stop. And I know that you know, so that's just one example. And you know, my husband is very much like, no, no, no, he's this old now. He's gonna start driving he's gonna have to pay for okay. Like my logical brain says, yes, you're right. And I did the same thing. And so to sort of my husband, so to Chad, but my other part of me says, I don't want them growing up too quick. If they don't have to, they're going to work for the rest of their life. Yeah, you know, so those, that's just one example of the parenting challenges we're having right now. So it's just a whole new bucket of balls here. And new things that are coming around, so hi. It's been a baby. We talked about parenting in this episode, too. It's been a lie. No, I like I think you both made

Christy  

a good point is that, yeah, or just work. And, you know, the fairy tale of the happily ever after. I don't know many people, I don't know. I mean, they get there happily ever after. But it's not all like birds singing in your window. And like, you know, people serving you food and cleaning your house and you know, making everything lovely and there's never a fight and you guys get along for the rest of our lives every day. And so, I think that's a very valid point to make to our listeners is that the relationships are work, not to say that they're terrible work, work. I believe we're all in partnerships where each person is working with the other person working in partnership. And as long as you know that about the other person, then you can work hard, you can do the parents, right, like you're gonna clash, you know, and things are gonna come up but you're gonna make it through because you're working in the same direction towards the same goal. You know, when you have somebody in a relationship that's just like men, you know, like, I'm not going to work on it, I'm not going to try to, you know, see your point of view, I'm not going to have to keep an open mind, I'm not gonna, then that's when things get dicey. So,

Marlena  

I also think that like, and I know, for Vince and I, I let him take the lead, where he is strongest, and he does the same for me. And, you know, it's like, there's certain things that I just, I don't want to say I can't do, but, you know, I just, I'm just not strong at it. Whereas He, you know, is more strong at being maybe more of a disciplinarian with the kid, or, you know, I'm better at planning, you know, things like that, like, you know, we just kind of find what, or found what each other was strongest at, and allow that person to handle it. And, you know, like I said, I'm not easy to be married to, and that man understands my crazy. And I won't say he respects it, but you know, he, he definitely tolerates it.

Jamie  

We all have a crazy that they understand we and hopefully love that side, too. So because it is what is, yeah.

Marlena  

Could you imagine being like, you know, marriage wasn't always, hey, let's choose the person that we are in love with? I mean, before it was more of a business contract. It was, you know, dowry is and what can this person bring to the marriage, whether it's consolidating wealth or alliances or, you know, whatever that was? And so there was no actual love in a marriage. Literally, it seems like it's starting off that way. Yeah.

Jamie  

Or tomorrow for you get married for taxes and medical insurance?

Christy  

Well, yeah, I was just gonna say, it's still kind of a legal thing, right? Like, you get married, or you used to get married for the tax benefits, and then you don't get as many tax benefits anymore. So like, I have a friend that's like, we're not getting married. There's no benefit. Like, we're in a relationship. We have a family like, it's cool. We're good. Like, we don't need to do anything else. But yeah, not being able to choose your partner. Like, that is rough. That would be real rough, I think. Yeah.

Marlena  

I mean, you know, like, just fathers would be like, here, you can have my daughter.

Christy  

Yeah, bye. Bye. Have lots of kids.

Marlena  

Exactly. Like, that's how marriage used to be. It's just, it's, it's strange. And, you know, I mean, you watch older movies and stuff like that, even with regards to royalty. It's like, okay, well, we need to build this alliance, you know, with this other country, to make our military stronger, or whatever it was, you know, and, but there is some truth to that. And how marriages used to come about

Jamie  

marriage still is, you know, like we said, it's still somewhat of a contract, right? There's a lot of negotiations and decisions and things that you have to decide together. Um, you know, it's still a contract, if you will, you are signing on the dotted line, when you sign that marriage certificate. It's true.

Marlena  

Yes. I'm just curious. How many of us out of the three of us here, how many of us had the conversation with their spouse coming up on their 10 year anniversary? saying, Okay, if we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it now. Because neither one of us want to pay alimony for the rest of our lives. Or is that just me? Like it did when are Vince and I the only ones that have that conversation? Like, you know, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna cut it down. Otherwise, we're stuck together for life.

Christy  

Listen, I actually applaud that conversation, because that is really thinking ahead. I mean, you're like, Hey, are we good? Are we gonna like we're gonna go the long haul? Because if not, we got to cut ties now.

Marlena  

Like, we no longer believe in divorce. We only believe in murder. You know, like,

Jamie  

I was gonna say, the discussions we've had is over how much our life insurance policies are. And whose are more because yeah, now Okay. Who's gonna get more money? We've Yeah, we've

Christy  

had a couple of those conversations. The life insurance ones. Yeah,

Jamie  

that's gonna get more, you know, a little sick one day. Sorry. I know all jokes aside, I could never ever want my I would not want to spend the rest of my year without my husband. That's true. But it's fun to talk about sometimes.

Christy  

Sometimes, when you're in that morbid

Marlena  

I have food allergies. So anytime like there's any kind of like, you know, food I'm allergic to that's in my vicinity. I'm like, Dude, if you just want the fucking life insurance, just say sell like, you don't know what to try and

Christy  

yeah, don't be so obvious.

Jamie  

Um, But another one of the words, you know, that we brought up as far as what was important in our marriages or what came to mind? I definitely think like I've mentioned, but friendship. I know, I only met you with Brian Christie. So I don't know your history prior to that. But I do know Marlena and Vince's and, you know, they had dated for a long time beforehand. I mean, they've been around each other since like, what high school?

Marlena  

I was 19. Yeah, he was 25.

Jamie  

Yeah, yep.

Marlena  

Let me just tell you, though, with Alexis being 19. If that child brought home a 25 year old, right with him or her in the teeth, I'm telling him like, I just, yeah, no, that's what

Christy  

I was on a different light. Like when you think of this, or you get

Jamie  

about this shot that we did as our children are hitting these ages. I'm just like, oh, Lord Jesus, like no, like this is anyway. Yeah, again, a whole nother podcast. But

Marlena  

I mean, and we're talking about relationships and stuff like that. Jamie, yeah. You got engaged. Your relationship prior to Chad, you were engaged at a very young age. I was I was engaged to my ex husband at a very young age.

Jamie  

Yeah, I was, um, he proposed me on my 21st birthday. So yeah. And we, we had a long engagement. Why are you laughing?

Marlena  

Oh, yeah. I was also with my ex. We got together when I was 21. And we got engaged the year after. So our timelines have just always been have

Jamie  

always crossed. Yeah. Yeah. But that was definitely Young. For both of us. He was the same age. And we had a long engagement because we wanted to buy the house first and get married. Fortunately, we did go that route, because in the end, it didn't work out. And we've parted our ways. But we're still really good friends now. And we have both have great marriages and great lives. So it worked out as the universe had put it out there for us. So but yes, very young. And I think about it now. And even having children at the ages I did. I don't think I would do it any different. I was 30. When I got married. I was 31. When I had our son, I was 36 when I had Stella, our daughter, but I definitely am so glad that the universe laid it out like they did, because I think I would have been, it would have been bad. I think it would have just ended up in a divorce, honestly. So. But yes, very young, and kind of back to the whole friendship thing. You know, Chad, Chad and I were friends, we met at the auction, and coworkers for a very long time. So we established this relationship of friendship for very long, and that's why I was saying earlier that, you know, people would joke that you guys been dating for like, five years before you came out and told us like, No, we actually were just friends. And I think that has really helped and supported our marriage. Because, like we've all said, we actually like our husbands. Um, you know, and I say it a lot. Yeah, I love a lot of people. And there's family that I love that I don't necessarily like all the time. But, you know, you have to really have that friendship or some kind of bond outside of just love. I feel mutual respect for this person. things in common because, you know, big picture long haul, really, I'm in it for the long haul. I don't plan on getting divorced when I said death do us part. I meant that. And because we've built that solid foundation, we actually enjoy spending time with each other. You know, and we've ever since we met, we've worked at the same company, we've worked remotely since we both started working remotely from home together. I mean, unless he's traveling, he's here and my face literally on the other side of my screen every day all day. And so my to him, so we have to have that connection outside of this love. And you know, every Friday we have our date nights, and we look forward to it even though I've seen his face for the last like week, every day. We need out we need out of the house. We need our time we go do our thing. And every Friday is date night and I swear we've been doing it cut. It's been a long time. Even when the kids were little we'd have someone watch them. So I just think it's very important because in the end, empty nesters right because when the kids are gone and the distractions are gone and the work is gone, it's just you too. So hopefully y'all like each other. Because it's a long life if you're lucky and you're with this person, yeah, every day all day. So that's my little two cents on Having a friendship with your spouse? Yeah,

Christy  

you're choosing to be with them for a while. Right? Like, yeah, I totally agree, Mike, that is Brian and I are great friends, you know, and we, whenever, like, we don't talk about getting divorced, very out of it, every so often will like joke about it right. And he's said to me on multiple occasions, he's like, even if something happened, like, I know, we would still be best friends. I know it. And I was like I do to actually, like, I just, you would still be in my life and we would still be really great friends. And, and so yeah, which I know it's that's weird and morbid to like,

Jamie  

you know? Yeah, you're married to

Christy  

someone. You talk

Jamie  

about your relationship, right? I mean, that's, that's yeah. Because to the core of it. That's how much you guys respect each other, and how much you mean to each other? And how much you enjoy each other. That even if you were to divorce, you could see it still being a friendship. So that's, that's awesome. Yeah, but no divorce.

Christy  

But no, yeah. That's, that's not my plan. So

Marlena  

Vince, and I no longer talk about divorce, because we talked about it so much in early on in our marriage. I mean, it was, we were just trying to figure things out. Then we're like, oh, communication. Oh, actually talking about our problems. Instead of saying, fuck this. I want a divorce. You know, we were childish when we were kids.

Jamie  

We are challenged when we're like, but again, you have Okay, started so young to again, right. Like, you guys have known each other since high school.

Marlena  

We've known each other but I mean, we got married. I was 29. He was six years older than that, like my brain. Don't ask me to you know, but So, and again, like with my previous relationship, I got married so young, because Okay, so Vince and I, we were together when I was 19. We broke up. I got together with my ex, I was 21. We got married a couple years later. So I was like, 23, turning 24. And I think about that now. And I was like, I had no business getting married. Like, I was not ready. And I did not know what it meant to have respect for my spouse and have respect for my marriage. Yeah. And so with Vince, things were totally different. Because totally different in that I had respect for my marriage. I was still disrespectful with my mouth. I mean, I have a very sharp mouth, and I would cut him down whenever I I've learned a lot since then.

Yeah, you grown? Yeah.

Marlena  

But you know, he and I, we've grown together. Yeah. But yeah, being that young and getting married. And also, you know, my ex husband was a lot older than me as well. And so and true story. Yeah. Well, we may cut this part. But I was talking to Vince and I was like, Yeah, we're talking. We're doing a podcast tonight about relationships. And he asked if I was gonna bring up my axe. And I was like, Well, you know, there were times and and of course, who that person is today? I don't know them. Yeah. And I hope that you know, so who I'm talking about is not the same person. Right. I would hope I have you. I have no idea. I don't talk to him. But I was telling Vince I was like, yeah, there were times where you know, he was really controlling. And I just remember thinking, I don't want to dad. I want to daddy.

Jamie  

I love it. Damn it. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, that's a t shirt. I like

Christy  

that is Yeah. I don't want that. I want to die get you Yeah.

Marlena  

So it's funny. But yeah, I mean, I think respect has a lot to do with it as well. And, Jamie, I know you were talking about that. And Christy as well, having respect for your spouse, and for your marriage. I mean, I used to do things that were just really disrespectful. In my previous marriage. I mean, I would just take off for a weekend and call as I'm like halfway to where I was going, and I would never do that to Vince. We'd never do that two minutes. And so I think previous relationships you definitely learn from those as well. So, you know, I know I'm looking at Alexis and with some of them their relationships and stuff like that. And, and I laugh because I sit there and say, you know, being 2324 I had no business getting married. But when you're that young, you're just in love with the idea of being in love. Yeah. And that's kind of where Alexis is right now, that phase. And so I'm just kind of like taking a step back and being like, Okay, well, cool. Yeah. Enjoy your time.

Christy  

Yeah, cool. Yeah. We'll see how this works out.

Marlena  

Yeah. You know, I mean, luckily, they said they will never bring someone 25 years old home age of 19. And then, you know, talk shit to God.

Christy  

Yeah. So I was gonna segue because, you know, we're all talking about monogamy. And I do think that relationships, especially like, now, modern relationships can take really like very many different shapes. And, you know, most of the worlds I shouldn't say most, I don't know, but I'm assuming that most of the world is still very much into this traditional monogamous relationship, marriage, kids family, you're on this little like relationship elevator or escalator? I don't know, you're just going from stage to stage right. But there are other ways to have successful relationships. And so, you know, I first heard the term ethical non monogamy. And I was like, okay, I can kind of generally, right just from the term understand what they're talking about. So it's based on consent. It's of both parties. And it can really mean either romantic relationships, sexual relationships, both right? Casual sex, it can mean a whole bunch of things. So it's a big umbrella term. And then underneath that umbrella is open relationships, which are mostly known as sexual relationships, you're just going and having casual sex with people. And then they have polyamory, which is multiple romantic partner. So you're looking for multiple partnerships with different people. And again, that can take many forms. It can be I'm, you know, married to Brian, but I have a person that I'm dating, right. And then he has a person they're dating, and it can either be opened or close. So like, you can be open. And so everyone is open to date, whoever the hell they want, really, or it can be closed. I'm dating someone else and Brian's dating someone else. And that's it, right? There's like the, it just, there's so many different relationship forms, there's relationship anarchy, which there's no hierarchy, they just like that term alone, just I feel like kind of sums it up, they're not going to do the norm, they're going to do what works for them. Then there's monogamish ish, ish yet, which is like occasional, like sexual encounters. So you're still in a primary relationship with your spouse. But you're both maybe you're both or one or is allowed to step out every so often. So I really did, I found it all fascinating, because some of it makes sense to me. And I wanted to, like, have a conversation with you guys. And see, like, because it might not make sense to you. But for me, when I was going down the rabbit hole and researching, I'm like, I get it. Like I understand, I think I have a big capacity to love. And I think if I wasn't married to Brian, like we've talked about, I would be traveling

Marlena  

the world, your partners.

Christy  

Partners, right, your partner, partner collector, so we've mentioned that on the show before. And, you know, it definitely is I feel like coming more to the forefront. I've heard it more. I've heard the terms more. You know, I have some friends that are traveling and they were like, yeah, like, everybody on this, like travel board was talking about how like, these people are that are going are swingers or they're open or like, whatever. And I'm like, Yeah, that's that's kind of like a thing now. That was like, I don't know, I've been hearing it more. Maybe it's just on my for you page. I don't know.

Jamie  

That's that's what's in my algorithm on.

Marlena  

Like, that's my Tinder page. Yeah.

Christy  

Yeah, so I just wanted to get your thoughts on it. Because I feel like some people just know that they could and some people probably know that they can write. And so for each person, it's very individual and unique. So

Jamie  

what are your thoughts? Well, in these ledge set out, quick question before we dive into our thoughts, so in these descriptions, there are these couples that start married or could be married and not be married? Not necessarily. Okay.

Christy  

Yeah. First Person. Yeah. So it could be Yeah, it could be It could be a married couple that decided to open up their marriage, right? And they've decided they're going to do you know, polyamory or they're open or whatnot. Or it could just be, you're an individual, and you just know that you work better with multiple partners. And so you are usually amorous, and you're never getting married, but you're having multiple partners. And they all know about each other. That's, like I said, In the beginning, it's huge as the consent, right, they, and like, again, different forms. I've read that some people want to know, you know, the other partners, some people just know that it's happening. There's other people that like, they know, all the partners and all the partners get along, and it's just like, open community, you know, kind of thing, but a big, I guess, I want to say like, behind it all is really, from what I've read is really just more of like the Yeah, village, like you're, you have more of a village, right, and you're in these romantic relationships. And I think it makes sense for me, because I look at Brian and myself. And really anyone is like, the other person isn't going to give you all the things that you may need or want. Okay, so, for me, that makes a ton of sense, like, and Brian knows that about himself. And I know that for him. So, you know, we were sitting there just kind of contemplating that. And I said, Okay, so let's just say you met a girl who loved football, fucking loved football, like and was like, your kind of girl wanted to sit with you on Sundays and watch football, you know, I'm like, Okay. And I was like, would that make me any less important in your life? And he's like, Well, no, just be a different partner. Like it just be somebody different. I said, Yeah, I was like, but you have a commonality in this that we don't share. And he was like, Huh. So like, so? Like thinking through? Yeah,

Jamie  

I mean, yeah.

Christy  

So there you go. Okay.

Jamie  

Go lay?

Marlena  

Well, I mean, I think you know, if that makes someone happy, and, again, the communication is there. Yeah. And everybody's genuinely cool with it. Yes, genuinely cool with it. You know, fuck, do you. For me, that is that's not for me. I know that I would get jealous. And you know, I'm not going to stop you from being happy. I mean, Vince may definitely stop.

Christy  

Oh, yeah. But no, that's I mean, that's completely valid. yourself. Right. And so, you know, that wouldn't be a shape of a relationship that you would be,

Marlena  

I've had this conversation with Vince before where I was like, Would you want multiple spouses or girlfriends or whatever. And he was like, I can't deal with multiple crazies, like, that would just

Jamie  

just make me crazier. Yeah. Right. But I was like,

Marlena  

yeah, what if not, everybody was crazy. What if it was just me? Like, it was just, you know, my crazy, like, you know, but you had someone who could cook for you. And I didn't cook for a very long time or whatnot, you know, but both of us, I think we both have some jealous tendencies at times, or at least in the past. But yes, I don't see that for me. But I also would never judge somebody for their choices. Because if they have a relationship, where to say it's three people in a relationship, if that makes you happy, I mean, who am I to judge? Yeah, I want everybody to be happy and be in love. And you know, so yeah, like, by all means, do you?

Jamie  

I think I'm right there with Marlena as well as I who am I to judge is long as you guys are happy and some, you know, more power to you, whatever you want to do. I was going to ask where does the throttle fallen? Because, you know, you got the throttle word out there you hear more about but it's like, okay, that kind of fall into any of those groups, as long as everyone's consenting with whatever they're doing. So yeah,

Christy  

yeah, I think it's another and I could be wrong, but I think it's another like just a little offshoot of polyamory, because you're all together. And I just like the word right. I

Jamie  

think it's fun. Yeah. But I also I think I'm, I'm in the same bucket as Marlena, in the sense that I don't, I don't know. I tell him I joke with my husband all the time. I say, you know, you're still my favorite of all my husbands. And he thinks that's fantastic. So but in all honesty, I don't see myself wanting to have other husbands, girlfriends wives partners. I know it's funny because it's kind of along the same lines. But when we were talking about marriages and trust, I think they're people out here who can relate to this, but I've, he might kill me for saying this. I have given him the green light before the hot free hall pass. Um, oh yeah, because I trust my husband so much. And I love him so much. And I literally cannot imagine the rest of my life without him that if he made one stupid, drunken, belligerent blacked out fucked up mistake, and came to me the next day and was completely honest with me about it. I could probably get past that. Now, if he came to me six months later and told me he's been screwing sumbitch on the side, and they have a relationship, I don't think I could get past that I for me, I can get past the emotional versus physical. And it can't be an ongoing thing. So it happened in the sense of he was going on a guy's trip. And I know how he gets with these guys when they're drinking. And I said, I'm not there to like, make sure you get back into bed safely. All the things and I know you guys don't ever see each other very much. So I know it gets kind of crazy when you drink. Um, and on that note, I'm giving you this hall pass. And he was like, Are you fucking kidding me right now? Like, he couldn't even he couldn't even like, believe I was saying and I said, Look, I'm not telling you to go do it. I'm just telling you. Yeah, something stupid happens. I better hear about it first, and we might be able to move forward. So talking about like multiple partners and things like that. And that that kind of Yeah, freedom. I know, it's not exactly the same thing. But that is something know, their parents

Christy  

parallels. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Because I mean, it really is, it's about trust. And I can only imagine in a polyamorous relationship, there's a lot of trust and like elevated communication, because you have multiple people that you are now, you know, like, I don't wanna say responsible for or responsible to, but and kind of, you know, and so you have to make sure that number one, I feel like that you know, yourself and you know, your boundaries, and that you can communicate your wants and needs. And, you know, very clearly to make those relationships work.

Jamie  

And just to be clear, that's not a never ending hall pass. That is not a like forever hall pass. That was like the one time

Marlena  

but what I was gonna say about a polyamorous relationship is that there's communication in the beginning of that relationship, that this is how it's going to be. For me, I think being in starting off in a monogamous relationship. And then, especially for me, being in a monogamous relationship, and then having my partner say, Oh, by the way, this is how it's going to be like, you know, later in the relationship, I'd be like, yeah, yeah. No, that's a hard pass for

Jamie  

me. Yeah, I'm gonna have to go down the rabbit hole with those relationships now. And just read about it, because that's very interesting.

Christy  

It's, it's pretty fascinating. And like, one of the podcasts I listen to, as we can do hard things, right? Yes, and dull Doyle. And the episode is Martha Beck and Rowan Mangan. And it was like, that it was great. It was all about this polyamorous relationship that just kind of came about very organically. And between these three women, and they go into a little bit, it just kind of basics, right of polyamory, like how they kind of came. But it's they seem somewhat unique in the way that they came about, you know, in their relationship, that they've been together for years now. So it was very fascinating. And then I also listen to in case anyone's interested therapist uncensored podcast attachment in polyamory with Jessica fern. And so that was a little more of a therapist take on it, but it was still very informative, and fascinating to me. And Jessica Fern wrote a book about polyamory. And so yeah, there's the rabbit hole of all the things we will

Marlena  

have to dive back into this topic. But

Christy  

yeah, hopefully we can find a guest. That's what I really would like. I would like to find a guest to talk about on it.

Marlena  

I am honored

Jamie  

to chat and see if he wants to experiment with one of these. And then we can get back there and report our findings. We're now divorced.

Christy  

No, no. No. All right. All right. Well, so we touched on a little bit of everything, but we all appreciate you staying. Oh, and you know, what I forgot to mention in the opening and I really wanted to this week is that you are listening to a podcast and I am going to drop that into as many of our podcasts as I possibly Ken until you guys are sick of hearing about it, because we're very proud of our podcast, and the work that we've done over the past year, and the work that our producer does every single frickin week for us. And so, you know, you're gonna have to just deal with it for a little while. And then when we get our next award, you'll have to deal with it. So that being said, thank you for listening as always, and go to W MF pod.com to engage to look at the past episodes that we've done. Ask us a question, write us an email, I don't know. Drop us a love note. Whatever you want to do. It's all there. And we will be back with you next week.