Toxic Positivity and Spiritual Bypassing - It's Okay to Not Be Okay

November 10, 2022

Toxic Positivity and Spiritual Bypassing - It's Okay to Not Be Okay
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National gratitude month is in the month of November, so the WMF ladies felt it was appropriate to discuss positivity and gratitude. But with that, it was necessary to discuss toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, or in other words, suppressing your emotions for good vibes only! As we discuss walking the line between positivity and gratitude AND toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, we also need to remember that it's okay to not be okay!

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Gratitude & Positivity

Christy: Welcome back to a witch, a mystic and a feminist. Happy Thursday or whenever you're listening to this. Today we are talking about gratitude and positivity. Figured it would be a great subject matter as we head into Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the holidays, and the importance of being grateful and positive, but not too positive to where you are toxic so we can get into

Jamie: That doesn't sound complicated at all, Christy. No,

Christy: not at all. There's just a fine line you just don't wanna cross. That's all we gotta say. To kick it off, gratitude, I'm sure everyone, I'm hoping everyone is very familiar with this term, especially during the holidays. It's the quality of being thankful. Really, it's showing appreciation for and to return kindness. So I think of gratitude as in the simplest form. Somebody does something for me out of the goodness of their heart. I'm grateful for it. I say thank you. I show my appreciation in other ways.

Jamie: Yeah,

Christy: right? So we all have our different forms. But the word gratitude, and I love this because I love Latin, cuz I'm dork, but

Marlena: dork.

Christy: I'm a chorus girl, so Latin was my second language.

But anyways, it's derived from a Latin word, gratia, which means grace, or graciousness, or gratefulness, just depending on the context. So in some ways gratitude really encompasses. All of these meanings and, it's a thankful appreciation for what we receive, whether it's tangible or intangible.

Marlena: Right,

Christy: Positivity on the other hand is the practice of being or tendency to be positive or optimistic in attitude. . So

Jamie: There you go.

Christy: just real quick definitions, Got 'em out of the way. I have. I would say a very positive attitude, and I sometimes in my past life straddled the line of being too positive, which we will get into, 

But first let's open it up. So why it's so important to live a life of gratefulness, of, having positive outlook, all those things. Marlena, Jamie,


Jamie: at it.

Marlena: Yeah,

Christy: Have at it. Let's go. Let's go.

Jamie: I will. I'm like,

Marlena: I'm like, I down. And then I'm like, You. Jamie's you wanna

go? Okay. Sorry. My bad. 

Jamie: No, it's all good. I will. I will kick this sucker off.

Christy: you. You go. You go.

Jamie: All right. Why is it so important to live or embrace a life of gratitude and positivity? So there have been many studies and research done that shows that gratitude, Strongly and consistently is associated with greater happiness.

So when we live a more, I don't wanna say grateful life, but you're living in a sense of, you're appreciating the things that you have that your daily givings. I don't even, I'm trying to find the right words, but when you are. Appreciative of the things that you have in your life, whether it be a tangible item or friendship, a relationship.

It could be, as simple as, having the meal on your table. You just, you live a more fulfilled life. And research has shown that people who show this appreciation tend to live a happier life because they're living in a more positive. Outlook, if you will. So it is important to appreciate the things that you have, even when it's hard, right?

So even when it's hard to find the good things in a bad situation, or just trying to be a positive on a day that you just don't feel like you can be very positive, it does lead to greater happiness. So research has also shown in study groups who have focused on showing gratitude in different ways where they end up just overall, just being happier, more optimistic, again, living a more fulfilled life where things aren't so dreary, if you will.

Dire I it's easier to be negative. Because it's so easy to pick out the bad things or the things that are happening to you versus being positive. So when you can find those positive things to focus on, it does just outright make you a happier person. Makes a 

Marlena: Okay, so you know, there is positivity, but. I also wanna touch a little bit on toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing. So you were talking about, always finding those positive lights. We've heard good vibes only. Good vibes only, but at the same time, when doing so, you're not embracing those. I don't wanna say negative because emotions are emotions. Whether they're quote high vibrational or low vibrational emotions. Sometimes we just do have to sit in some of those, more. Quote, negative emotions. So toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset rejecting all difficult emotions and putting on a false positive facade.

And so there is that fine line of, being positive and there's that saying, fake it till you make. Kind of thing and, good vibes only so for me, it's right.

Jamie: Only Sunshines and rainbows. That's a all we have here.

Marlena: talking about positivity, not bringing up the fact that, sometimes being overly positive. Falsely positive, almost, to the point where you're fake about it. It's an issue. Basically you're suppressing emotions. And there's a, there is that fine line. And so as we're sitting here talking about and I feel like such the pessimist right now

and I'm 

Christy: No, I'm just kidding.

Marlena: I'm like, yes, everybody should be positive. However,

Christy: But it's a valid point because I've had a lot, I won't say I have a lot of experience with toxic positivity, but mine came from really not knowing how to deal with those emotions. Or The negative emotions. Or the hard emotions, or the sad emotions and. It was easier for me to suppress that and just be like, Everything is awesome.

And just blanket it until I felt better. But really all I was doing was pushing those emotions down the line and Right,

Jamie: fake till you it. 

Christy: fake it till you 

Jamie: said, 

Christy: it also came out in my relationships because a lot of times if somebody else was having a hard emotion, I would, I didn't know how to deal with. So instead of just saying, Oh, I might be, I'm immature in this. I don't know how to deal with my emotions or other people's emotions, so I'm, I should just be quiet, right? And, or just tell the person I'm listening. But I would tell the person, just think positive about it. Like just, I don't know. Think about something better, right?

Put positive thoughts in your mind. Stop listening to that music. It's dreary, right? Listen to something poppy. I don't know. And maybe you'll feel better. Really, And yes, there's certain aspects to that. Okay, maybe. But overall that's not the way to deal with things 

Marlena: Right. 

Christy: And it didn't help anyone.

And and even I remember my husband's telling me, he's I love your positivity, but. It doesn't solve anything really for me. Can't do what you do. And then I was like, Oh, that's interesting. I was like, Cuz what am I doing? I'm not really solving anything either.


Jamie: I was just going to chime in on that. In saying that, yes, there's definitely a fine line and there's a difference between stuffing and not dealing with versus. Just trying to pep yourself up, right? Cause I could be in a bad mood and be like, Oh, okay, come on.

Just let's go. And it could be for many reasons, I don't know, periods, 

Christy: people.

Jamie: life, whatever. But I could just, yeah, people driving in my car, whatever road rage. You could just be in a bad mood. Okay. Okay. Let's shake this. Let's shake this. Come on. Happy music.

Happy life. Open the sunroof. Come on. Positive. Positive vibes. Only there is. There is a difference. There's a difference because when it's you truly sitting in, let's say grief, let's 

Marlena: form of depression,

Jamie: I don't know, something that deeply hurt. Exactly. Form of depression and you're trying to convince yourself to.

Positive or be out of it. You're just stuffing and you're not dealing with the court issue. And so it'll never resolve itself, and now you're just faking it until you make it and you may never make it. So I agree with the points. You were making Christy, that there's a definite difference between, I just need to get outta this funk.

Come on, let's get, move in, let's get outside. Let's see some vitamin D, let's feel it, let's do all the good things versus. Shit, I have a real, like there's a true issue going on 

And I don't wanna deal

Marlena: of the bed, and I know I've woken up, pissed off for no apparent reason. Nine times outta 10 is I had a bad dream and

Jamie: a lot.

Marlena: pissed me off in my dream. And so I wake up and I'm just, 

Christy: Yep.

Marlena: Raging . I'm like, Dude, fuck you. Go fuck yourself.

But then he tells me, Oh, you just gotta think positively. You know when somebody tells me that, like it's one thing for me to tell myself that, but when someone else tells me that, they're one, invalidating my feeling. And granted waking up on the wrong side of the bed or having a dream that pissed me off is, you know that, if someone tells.

Christy: Chad knows I'm

Jamie: Chad knows those feelings very well too. I'm just dying because I'm like, I'll wake up and I'll look at him. He goes, What did I do? ? What? He's What did I do in your dream? I'm like, Don't talk to me right now.

Marlena: . But you know

Jamie: He just knows

Marlena: dealing with something, and if Vincent were to tell me. Ooh. See, now he angered me because I just called him Vincent. . But

Christy: Yeah.

Marlena: If Vincent were to tell me, just think positively. It's one thing for me to tell myself that, but it's another thing for someone else to sit there and tell you that because now they're invalidating your feelings, they're shaming you.

It can cause guilt, and it's basically telling you, please suppress all of your human emotions.

Christy: Yes it is.

Marlena: I'm

Christy: Yeah,

Marlena: So that's one of the things with talks of positivity that, you shouldn't be suppressing, emotions when it comes to those hard emotions, those hard feelings. It sometimes you just need to sit in them and it's okay to not be okay. That's, it's okay to not be okay and but again, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you sit there and tell yourself.

We're gonna shake this up a little bit and we are going to think a little more positively. We are going to find something to be grateful for. I know when I wake up in the morning, before I even open my eyes, I list three to five things that I'm grateful for, as before I even open my eyes and put my feet on the. And that's how I start my day. But, there is also, those days where I am really dealing with issues and stuff like that, and I just, I have to sit in those emotions. And as far as spiritual bypassing, it's very similar to toxic positivity. You just, throw a little spirituality into the mix.

It's, , but, it's Oh, I'm all love and light. And it's no, you're not, you're love and. But sometimes you're like anger and rage. Sometimes you're, sad and upset. I'm loving light, but I'm also fuck around and find out, I'm a, and I try and find that balance, where I'm able to, find optimism and positivity and, I know.

What I'm grateful for, but also, I'm not a, I'm not a doormat and if you're going to treat me, in some foul way, I'm still gonna stand up for myself kind of thing, 

Jamie: and no one should ever invalidate your feelings. Ever. Like what? As outrageous that they as they might be, or ridiculous or whatever, they might think just let me work through this. Don't invalidate me. No one should ever 

Marlena: That's how you are feeling. And sometimes you need to sit in that and you need to be able to work through that. With spiritual bypassing, there's a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid, unresolved emotions, psychological wounds, or, undeveloped crap.


Christy: Yeah. No, Mean the, I think the, everything happens for a reason. Thing gets me a lot when I'm. Telling someone that I'm feeling a certain way or that I'm sad or something happened and then their only response is, everything happens for a reason. And I'm like, Does it fucking though, like it, does it really happen for a reason?

Cuz that's not that's not helpful here. That's not helpful, right? So sure fine, that's your belief, that's your, philosophy. Awesome. Good for you. But in this moment it does mean no good and it just makes me angry . But I. Spiritual bypassing. I feel like I've had a lot of experience with, not dealing with a lot of, any really experience because of the belief in something spiritual.

And in my case it was God, right? So like God's in control. So yeah, your grandma might have died and you might be sitting with that, but God's in control. It was God's. And you're like, Okay, that still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm still upset, , I'm still grieving, but, but I've done it to people as well, I've sat there and been like, Yeah. I've sat there and been like, it's God's plan. It's, this is God's, this is God's way and

Jamie: It's like that uncomfortable silence, right? Like you, the person hearing it just wants to make it better. So they say, Oh, it's God's plan. Oh, things happen, it, 

Christy: because you don't know,

Jamie: it's supposed to happen this way, right? So they're just trying to bandaid it when in fact we just need people 

Marlena: And sometimes it's okay to

not, It's okay to not


Jamie: touched me on that . It was like, It's okay. Absolutely. And some people can't handle the silence, the uncomfortable silence of what am I supposed to do? You know what? Sometimes you don't need to do anything. Just be here in this moment with me and let me move through this.

Okay. Sorry. You touched me with that, Christy. That was like, that

Christy: That's fine. No, cuz yeah, that, that was a big one for me. And then, the other thing is, in spirituality, especially if you're talking to somebody who maybe isn't as spiritual as you are, right? Or maybe doesn't have the same belief system as you do sometimes.

You feel, or I'll just say from my experience, sometimes I felt like I was superior to that person. Like I had superior knowledge and superior ways of handling things, and so they should just really.

Marlena: because I like, I'm right there with you.

Jamie: You had a

Christy: Okay. Yeah, and just, and so they should really listen to me. They should really heed my words because cuz

Jamie: what 

Christy: what I'm talking about,

And that comes across as just like te I mean it just comes across terrible. Especially, I can't imagine being on the other end of that. I probably have been and I probably just have ignored it.

But I know I've been on the giving end of that. And it's gotta feel terrible. I don't, in all honesty, we don't know. We don't know. And my faith is not superior to your faith. And it can be very different. and that spiritual, but it's still spirituality, right? It's still a belief in something.

And so like Jamie said, all that's needed in these situations is somebody to be there, somebody to sit with you, to, my. Writer group leader, she always says that she's at our backs, her hand is on our backs. And sometimes that's all somebody needs is to your hand on their back. Don't have to say anything.

Yeah. But yeah, it just,

Marlena: now I'm right there with you,

Christy: my past life, I'm sorry for my past life, , I apologize. I do

Marlena: my spiritual awakening, like I start awakening and having these, new thoughts, new beliefs, new ways of thinking. And it was like, Oh, oh, you're feeling bad. Okay, here's some unsolicited advice. And I thought it was okay if I threw, or asked the question, Would you like some unsolicited advice?

It's Nah, bitch. Sometimes I just wanna sit here.

Christy: Yeah,

Marlena: be here with


Jamie: you to talk. 

Marlena: I'm so guilty of that as well. And, I've had really had to work on listening to, to hear and really listen versus listening to respond.

Christy: Yes. Yeah. And that's tough sometimes to decipher what is even needed right. In that moment. Yeah. But I think we're all working on that

Jamie: Yeah. Know I, I reference it a lot because it was such a pivotal moment in my life. But again, my mother-in-law passing and having to deal with my children who were truly affected and knew what was going. Not this infant that's not gonna remember, but the children who are actually actively gonna know what's going on.

It really helped me change my perspective in just sitting in it right with them. I don't need to fix this. I can't fix this. There's nothing I can do to change this, even though I would give my right leg for her to be here at any moment, right? There's nothing I can do. As much as I wanted to just shift the moment when they're sitting in their grief to say, Hey, come on, let's go.

Let's shake this off. Come on, let's go get some ice cream. Let's go do something. Let's go watch a movie. No. Sadness. Let's move on as much as a mother and as a parent, because I don't want my children going through pain. This was the first moment that I really learned if they have to sit.

they have to sit in it, and I have to sit with them and I have to let them cry, and I have to let them be, and I have to let them be sad and be angry with me and be angry with the world and be angry with God or whatever, and just be, And it was really the first time that I really understood.

Just being, it doesn't have to be positive vibes only. Let's shake this shit off and let's move the fuck on. Like sometimes you just have to be, and it took that lesson and the loss of her life to learn that. And my children, because I just wanna take away their pain. I don't wanna see them sad, and I can't. We just have to move through it and it's so difficult. It is So hard and you just deal, you just keep moving on, and eventually we come back together and we smile and we hug and we cry. Okay, Mom, can we go downstairs? Yeah, absolutely.

Christy: Yeah. And you're doing them. You're doing.

Jamie: all you can do.

Christy: A service in that you are letting them feel and you are teaching them that their emotions, all their emotions are okay. You're not glossing over it. You're not telling them to just, Oh, let's do something fun. Let's just don't think about it right now.

Cause yeah, let's move on. Cause.

Jamie: on.

Christy: gonna think about it eventually. Now if you're like me, you'll just compartmentalize it and pack it away for years and then you won't deal with it until much later. 

Jamie: Sounds like my husband,

Christy: so you are doing, that you are doing an awesome job by teaching your kids young not to do that, right?

. So I am like so proud of you

Marlena: And some of the ways.

Christy: So I had nothing to do with it, but

Jamie: it only took 46 years. , 

Marlena: the ways to be able 

Jamie: It's all good,

Marlena: of these quote negative emotions. But, these lower vibrational emotions, these, but they're human emotions. You have to deal with them. Is by doing shadow work. A spiritual term for, basically letting those feelings come to the surface and dealing with them.

I do a lot of journaling again, and I know I've discussed this in the past, journaling, trying to figure out, where these triggers come from. I've worked with a number of therapists to, just be able to get it out. Life coaches, shamans, I'm like, I've worked with everybody.

 Just heal me. Just heal me. I need to be healed. , Yeah. And,

a lot of it is. Really just working through those emotions, working through the shittiness, and. Looking at yourself hard in the mirror and being like, cuz I was such a negative person, such a negative person.

And I, I still have some negative tendencies, but for the most part I think I'm a lot more positive. I'm definitely a lot more grateful. I could have, in the past I could have everything in the world and I would be. But I, it was never enough. Whereas now I'm grateful for what I have, and really all I need is.

My husband, my kid, my dogs a roof over my head. This podcast, no , but, so I have a lot to be grateful for and to be able to lean into that gratitude. Helps me be more positive because I do have so much to be grateful for. I have the love of the man of my life, somebody that I've loved for practically my entire adult

Jamie: right?

Marlena: as my husband.

I have my bratty ass kid. They, they may be a brat, but they're my brat, . I made 'em that way. I just leaning into the gratitude really helps. Being more positive. Having, switching that, that outlook again, I was super negative and very pessimistic and the world was always crashing down at my shoulders.

Why was my world always crashing down at my shoulders? Part of it was my thought process, and the lack of gratitude that I had in my life.

Christy: Yeah.

Jamie: And I really think it evolves for us, right? At least for me, , I've always felt like I've been a very positive person for, I think people perceive me as a very positive person. I've been told that, and I do try and stay very positive and very in the moment, and everything's gonna be okay.

Just very supportive. But I have found from, let's say, my twenties, I'm 46, that the gratitude and the positivity has shifted in the sense of, and not that I was some kind of dick hole child that was just like, super, I don't know, spoiled or anything. I wasn't in that sense, but in my twenties it was very much, Oh, I'm grateful for the car I have.

I'm grateful for the job I have. I'm grateful for. being able to go out with my friends tonight. I'm grateful for the purse I was able to buy today. It, it was the things I, the tangible items I could hold in my hands and say, This is what I'm happy for. This is what I'm grateful for. Thank you.

And it has evolved as I've gotten older to the point now where, like Marlena, you said you, you wake up every morning before you even put feet on the ground. Giving thanks for, three to five things every morning. I literally wake up every morning and before I put my feet on the ground, I'm already giving thanks, literally.

And you can call it praying, you can call it meditating, whatever you want it to be, But I'm already saying thank you, divine universe. Thank you, divine creator for giving me another breath, for waking me up this morning for my husband who's already out of bed and working downstairs and who's already. For my daughter who I just heard her stir in her bed and I know she's alive and my son who's already in the shower getting up for school like it has evolved into.

Thank you. Just for another day. Thank you for another breath. Thank you for another moment. Thank you for me not waking up to a text message that something tragic happened overnight. Thank you. Divine Mother Nature. Beautiful earth for the sunrise that I'm watching through my window, Thank you for the cool breeze that's coming through this fall it just, it has evolved and I'm so grateful for even that because the tangible items don't mean as much as the breath we take when we wake up in the morning. That is also part of my spiritual awakening as being just. Being in those moments. And it teaches me to be in the moments with my children.

So that's another thing is that I've learned to be more grateful for the little moments when I can focus on them and when I can focus on them, it's because I've been more open to being grateful for.

Marlena: Oh,

Jamie: The things I took advantage of, right? I took for granted. I took for granted, right? And just like I can be sitting there on a couch watching TV and my son is on his phone and my daughter's on her iPad with her friend, and Chad's working, and I'm just sitting there in this moment going, This is awesome.

Like I, and I never would've had that 10 years. 15 years ago, so it, it leads to so many different things and for me it has been like stepping stones to being grateful for just

Christy: You, like you were, you just said like everything. I was gonna say in a slightly d no. In a slightly different way. As we grow up and as we, as life happens, and, , finding what we need, not what we want, right? What really do we need in our lives? To be happy and fulfilled.

And those end up being the things that we are grateful for. And they're the things Marlena was saying and the things that Jamie was saying. They're your kids, your husband, your dogs, the roof over your head. And sometimes it's not even the specific roof. You're just happy there is a roof.

You're cool. Just a roof. And it's the same for me is I am I'll look around the house and there'll just be some random moment and I'll be like, I'm really grateful that the flowers in the backyard are growing, that has nothing to do with anything, but I'm like, Oh, like I'm growing flowers.

I'm grateful for that. I could do without them. That's fine. I will live my life. But and then there's other moments where I'm just like, I am so grateful for the people that have sur that are surrounding me and that I have surrounding me. And it could be just a moment, like Jamie was saying, You're just sitting there scrolling on your phone, with your family, sitting all around you and you

Jamie: and you look up

Christy: Yeah. This is what I, these are the people that I need, This is what I need in my life, and I'm grateful for that. And then spending time under really, I need these people. I am grateful. And telling them, I am grateful for you and I'm grateful for this, and I'm, just so that they know, 

Marlena: I, that, that

just happened to 

Christy: it around.

Marlena: night. My kid and I've my kid's 18 and like the carbon copy of me, but like the carbon copy of me. A few years ago without the life experience. So I'm like, how can you be so cynical? But, without the life experience, but, nonetheless, and my kids had a really tough time the past couple years. but last night or yesterday, went to the grocery store, bought all this stuff for dinner. This kid does not cook. Let me just tell you. Does not cook, but cook dinner for the entire family. And, first time, the kid makes scrambled eggs and. And Ramen, like that's, those are the extent of, what my child makes.

But, made dinner, made this salmon bake. And really just, it was fantastic. Told them I'm, one, I'm so proud of you two. I am so grateful to come home and not have to. Cook dinner. Also to be able to eat dinner as a family, and, just be able to be together.

Those are the things that I cherish. Those are the times that I cherish. There were, there was a time where, the kid was, off fighting all the time and it's Oh, gold medal or this, that, or whatever, and it's none of that even matters. It's thanks for making dinner, dude.

Thank you.

Christy: Right.

Jamie: Yeah. Seriously. Seriously, it's those moments. It really is. 

Marlena: Yeah.

Jamie: and that's those little moments. Isn't there a song? I don't know. I won't sing don't worry. But again, I feel like it evolves and it, and I don't think it necessarily takes children or even a spouse, but I think as we get older, we start to appreciate.

The things that aren't tangible but more meaningful. So I don't want, I don't want anyone to get the impression like, Oh, you have to have kids and be married. You can have an appreciation and be grateful for, again, waking up in the morning, having another breath, having another opportunity for whatever that

Marlena: I know I'm

Jamie: right?

Whatever that day's gonna lead to. 

Marlena: That I get to hang out with my best friends and sit here and have conversations like this where it's just I'm just fucking grateful for this. And for everybody that listens to us and, and unders, and continues to listen to us, for that, I'm grateful.

And I get to work with my mom, , how fucking cool is that?

Christy: I know , that's

Jamie: This is so awesome.

Christy: and sometimes I get really high on myself and I'm grateful for me, 

Marlena: no, I'm so fucking Lee. 

Christy: But we'll talk about

Jamie: I is so fucking awesome.

Christy: about that in another episode of Yeah.

Marlena: said, I get so high. I was like, Oh, we going there

Christy: Oh,

Jamie: I was like, Whoa. Wrong podcast, but later episode

Christy: Podcast, 

Marlena: I think that's what it is.

Christy: don't know.

Jamie: Exactly. Yeah. And this is why I'm grateful for you too,

Christy: But I did wanna say too that, my, when I started really practicing gratefulness, it was this like little challenge. I think they do a more Grateful November, where like every day. You, and this was back when I posted on Facebook, but you post something you were thankful for, right?

I never posted, but I would pick something out specifically and it was almost always intangible that, on that first initial pass at gratefulness and I did it every day and by the end of the month it was like you guys are saying like it was. Everyday occurrence. It was a habit. I had done it for 30 days.

And now I find myself just doing it randomly as the days go on. Or as the hours go on. And it's awesome because sometimes I can be feeling really just sluggish and down and ugh, right? And then all a sudden, I'll look around or something will happen, or a song will pop on and something will pop into my head and I'll be like, I'm really, I'm just grateful today.

I'm grateful for that, or I'm grateful for this. And it helps shift my mindset a lot of times and turn the corner instead of staying in my ungrateful poopy, mood. 

Jamie: Yeah,

Christy: Yeah, I would challenge you guys to, or whoever's listening to try some sort of gratefulness practice. 

Jamie: Yeah. And it is a challenge. It is a challenge, right? Like I'm looking at my notes that I've made on what I wanted to touch on, and while I. Try and maintain a positive attitude and a degree of gratefulness every day. It is hard. It is hard. There's some days where it's just difficult to snap into it, be in the moment and, sunshines and rainbows and butterflies we talk about all the time, right?

Like the whole idea. I'm the first one to admit like, I'm a very positive person. I don't like people to see me. Down negative, and that's something I'm working on. It's a work in progress always. I do my best crying in the shower because I'm not showing that vulnerability to my children.

I'm not showing them that because I don't want them to be concerned. I want them to worry about me. I want them to see the strong, positive mom. Just handling business, and being in the moment and loving them. But it is, I just, I want people to know that there are, You can't always be this a hundred percent positive, bubbly person as much as you want to be, and even give that persona off to this day as a 46 year old, again, I do my best crying in the shower, and it's like, All right, shake your shit off. Let's get out. Let's go handle this. And we change. We change. So work through those emotions. Try and focus on the good things, but know that when you need moments to have a moment, it's okay. You don't need to have the butterflies and the unicorns and the rainbows all the time because life is life and it's a fucking shit show at times.

And it's okay. Exactly. I think that should be the new t-shirts we

Christy: Okay. To not be

Jamie: It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to not be positive and like Mary Poppins every day. Like It's just, it's. . It's okay. Again, work in progress. Myself, I'm working through it,

Christy: Yes.

Marlena: See for me, 

I all cry 

Jamie: deal with it, but I'm working on it.

Marlena: of Alexis. I always had that very strong persona, especially in front of, my kid. Hold on. I just totally said their name. Let me go back and say that, will totally cry in front of Vince. I will totally cry in front of the kid. I did have that very strong persona where I needed to not cry in front of anyone and, just be strong.

But I also recognized that my kid needed to see. Breakdown at times because I am human and I do have those

emotions and I don't want to continue to suppress them. And all of a sudden I'm like, like a volcano just blowing up. Because the dishes aren't done or whatever. So when I'm upset, I do, especially with and my kids, older than yours.

I do try and show that vulnerability, around them. With Vince, I can always cry in front of him. And it wasn't always like this, he'll just sit with me. Before it was like, How do I fix this? Why are you crying? Can I make you stop? How do I make you stop

crying? But now

Jamie: Chad

Marlena: it's 

Jamie: That's Chad.

Marlena: Then it got to a point where he was like, Do I fix this? Do I just sit here? And I'm like, Just sit here. Now it's just, . Okay. Just come here and he'll hold me and just let me cry. And sometimes you just need that.

Jamie: Yeah.

It's all you need. And men wanna be fixers, right? Chad's the same way. If I'm crying, he's just like, How do I fix this? Because that's what he does, right? He fixes things. So let me make it better. And I just don't, honey, I just need to cry. I just need to cry and I need to cry with you.

And guess what? When we're done, we'll be fine. I'll move on. Again, work in progress. Like I'm still working on this,

Christy: I don't cry a lot, . So this is what I'm starting to work on. I suppress crying quite a bit, but my son actually, my oldest, it's really interesting. So he cries, had a lot of happy things and they're big tears, right? And the first time we experienced this was at my brother-in-law's wedding and. The ceremony hadn't started. Like we were all just like just getting ready, and we're sitting in the pew at the church and he just like breaks into tears. And he's sitting next to my mother-in-law and she's I don't what is happening? And I'm like, and I was like, What?

What's going on? And he's I'm just so happy for them and it's so beautiful. And he just was like, sobbing. And then I started crying and I'm like, and I was like, Oh my gosh. I was like, Are you? my cold heart open and like teaching me how to cry.

Jamie: Oh,

Christy: , but ever since then,

Jamie: the Ice Queen. The ice queen is now having a warm 

Christy: That's what it felt like. Like he was crying and so it made it feel okay for me to cry, and so ever since then I've really tried to just. Now I'm watching TV and I'm crying and he'll come down and he'll be like, Why are you crying? And he'll be like, It's sad, or I'm happy, or whatever.

It's a touching moment. And he'll be like, Okay, and I'll move on. But I really do now try to like, cuz he'll, he's done it a couple times and so I'm like, Okay, maybe you are my teacher, maybe you are gonna open me up. Maybe this is how this is gonna work and I'm okay with that. So I'm still learning that and learning how to be more vulnerable in that emotion specifically.

So yeah, getting there.

Jamie: This is totally random and Mom, you can cut this out if you want, but my kid will like actively watch me to

Marlena: actively watch

you to see if you're gonna cry in a


Jamie: him,

We'll be sitting downstairs watching a show and he, and it's getting emotional and I see this,

And I, what? Quit looking at me. And he's What? And I'm like, You're just watching for me to cry. Like he actively is, are, is she gonna cry? Is she gonna cry? Is she gonna cry? I'm like, Stop it.

Christy: He'll just, I can feel him like

Jamie: Oh my god.

Christy: it's a sad part or yeah,


Jamie: son. It's my son. Who does

Christy: me and then he'll be like, Do you need a tissue? And 

Marlena: Oh, I do 

Christy: a tissue.

Jamie: Chad just 

Marlena: and then I'm the 

Jamie: Chad knows he. He doesn't bother.

Marlena: I'm like, you gonna cry? He was like, Shut the

Jamie: Are you cry? Are you gonna cry?

Marlena: Big bad, Vince.

Christy: Yeah.

Marlena: Okay,

Jamie: Fuck. Okay. Sorry, that 

Marlena: Okay, so

Christy: This is a great side


Jamie: Regroup. 

Christy: back to gratefulness and positivity. And it's okay to not be okay, as we are just, talking about crying and all the things. It's okay to cry and not be positive every day and to feel your feelings. They're all valid.

They're yours. Anything else 

Marlena: That's about it. , Happy Thanksgiving. Everyone.

Christy: I know now

Jamie: I think, and I know I didn't add it to the notes, but I think we need to put a little snippet about if you don't feel like you can pull yourself out,

Marlena: can put that in the, I think we could put that in the show


Jamie: you. Yeah. And the show notes. Okay. 

Marlena: Wrap it


Christy: Do you want me to

Jamie: so do we wanna just wrap it up?

Christy: Thank you for joining us on this episode of a witch, a mystic and a Feminist, where we talked about gratitude and positivity and some toxic positivity and some spiritual bypassing. And then we talked about a lot about crying. 

Jamie: And vulnerability, this is a good thing.

Christy: But I think the tagline for this episode that you should remember is, it's okay to not be Okay. And your feeling. Are all valid. But if you want to, and you feel like it would benefit you, because I think it would try some sort of gratefulness practice in, in your life or in the month of November, if you wanna coincide that with Thanksgiving.

Whatever that is. If that's meditation, if that's just saying out loud what you're grateful for, if that's writing it down, do it and see how it makes you feel at the end of the month. See how different you might. And if you don't,

Jamie: Paying it forward.

Christy: No, go for it.

Jamie: I was just, you're talking about like things you can do, but paying it forward. Writing a thank you letter as Marlena had mentioned in myself, waking up in the morning and just three or four things that you're just thankful for.

Christy: Simple practices, and if you cannot. Bring yourself out of whatever feeling you are having. Please remember, there are hotlines, there are resources out there for you. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help, and get the assistance that you need. We love you. We thank you for listening, and we can't wait to come back next week.


Jamie: Yay.

Marlena: Cool.